


Half a World Away

by S_Nebulosa



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Food Issues, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, If You Squint - Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, It is not pretty, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Online Chat, POV Lena Luthor, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Transphobia, body image issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-05-06 08:26:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_Nebulosa/pseuds/S_Nebulosa
Summary: Lena is studying abroad in Ireland and realises she's lonely. To still have some contact with other people, she takes to a chatting app and joins a group. There, she meets several people and starts talking to one of them in private: Potstickersss, or Kara to her friends.Slowly, Lena learns new things about herself and her family but it's not easy to deal with.





	1. What was Avogadro’s favourite sport?

Loud laughter and music reverberate through the walls of her room, making her bed shake a little. She pulls her pillow over her head, trying to drown out all the voices but it’s futile. There’s no way she’s going to be able to make it stop, so instead she sits up with a groan and turns on her television cranking up the volume so at least she can pretend there’s no background noise of happy people at a party she wasn’t invited to. She mindlessly presses buttons on the remote, picking a tv show on Netflix she doesn’t particularly like but started to watch because someone suggested it to her. No, because someone mentioned there was a lesbian couple in it, really. And since Lena just figured out that’s even a thing you’re allowed to do and think okay, kissing girls as a girl and being in a relationship with someone who is not of the opposite sex, she’s dived headfirst into every show and movie she’s seen mentioned somewhere as containing anyone who’s not straight. Though she’s zoned in on shows with female same-sex relationships.

The tv is hardly enough to drown out the noises from the party, and it does nothing against the empty nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach. Turning up the volume only serves to make her flinch every time something even remotely suspenseful happens, the sounds by now loud enough to actually hurt her eardrums. With a heavy sigh she leans down and over the edge of her bed. Her hand pats the floor beneath it until it hits something hard. She wraps her fingers around it and pulls up the bottle. There’s still a good amount of liquid left inside and in a swift motion she uncaps it and takes a swig, relishing the burning sensation in her oesophagus. With a pop she releases her lips from the neck of the glass and puts the bottle down to take her headphones from her desk. She suddenly stops mid-motion when a thought occurs to her. It’s more a little voice speaking to her from the back of the head, now that she pays attention to it.

_“You’re just lonely,”_ the voice says. Lena’s never really stopped to think about that. Never let herself go there. Never had a reason to, because in the Luthor manor, loneliness didn’t feel like this. In the Luthor manor, loneliness was daily business and there was no one to rub her face in it. She had come to accept it as normal. Only here, truly on her own in a foreign country and surrounded by people who do have bustling social lives, does she feel it more. Here it hurts more and here it’s different.

She takes another large gulp from the bottle, hoping beyond hope the alcohol will chase away the ache in the chest. It never helps, but it does quell her mind a little. Stopping it from overflowing and overthinking, if only for a brief moment. But she’ll do almost anything for that brief moment of bliss. That moment of relief from her own mind.

Before she knows it, she’s downed a good amount of the whiskey. God, she’s glad she’s old enough to buy her own alcohol here. She silently thanks Ireland for having the legal age to drink set at a meagre 18 years instead of the ridiculous 21 she’d need back home.

The ache is still present though and in her inebriated state, she thinks her best option to get rid of it is to actually make contact with people. To have someone to talk to, besides her brother. Someone specifically not her brother. They butt heads more and more lately. He can just be so close-minded sometimes, drinking in everything their mother tells him and agreeing with her without second thought. No, she needs someone who’s not Lex.

Her hand moves over the covers of her bed, feeling for her phone. She can’t really go out and meet people here, especially not while tipsy in the middle of the night. She’d probably end up getting robbed and raped and left for dead in a dark alley. That’s not a prospect she looks forward to. So, if meeting people by going out of her room isn’t an option, she can always meet people online.

On her phone, she searches for an application suitable for her goal and downloads the first one that pops up. She watches on as the small loading circle fills up and opens the app as soon as the download is complete. A dark screen pops up with three input fields. She smiles at the colour scheme, a deep blue, purple and grey dark enough not to hurt her eyes in the middle of the night in a dark room, but the smile fades from her face as soon as she realises the input field asks for a username. Crap, she forgot apps usually ask you that. Now she has to think of one. She types in ‘Lena’, because it’s at least worth a try, but immediately gets a red error message telling her the username is already taken. She grumbles and curses at the app, knowing downloading another wouldn’t solve this. Her eyes venture up to search for inspiration and they fall on one of her chemistry text books. _Fine_ , she thinks, _I’ll think of some stupid reference to use as a name._ Her mind digs up the periodic table and she smirks as she finds a name that could work. In the input field she types ‘seLENAium’. This time, no error message appears, instead a small green check pops up next to the name. She types in a password and repeats it in the last field and hits ‘submit’.

A few options pop up and she chooses to customise her profile. She uploads an image of an ‘L’ to use as a profile picture and enters ‘Lena’ as her first name. The rest, she leaves empty. She might be a little intoxicated, but she’s not stupid enough to actually put her full name in an anonymous chat app, let alone her location. She closes her profile and decides to join a public group chat. There’s a few suggested searches below an input field and she clicks the ‘make friends’ option. A list of groups appears, their titles increasingly more inappropriate and clearly not meant for making _friends_. She braces herself with just one more sip from the bottle and decides to search for something else and find a group that is based around one of her current interests so she at least has something to talk about when she joins. Her eyes rummage her room, this time looking for something she feels like she could talk about with someone. She quickly skims over her text books, but those don’t really contain anything she feels like talking about right now.

The loud music, laughter and her blearing television engulf her room in sound and her eyes drag up to the painfully bright screen still playing the show she’d forgotten about. She turns it off, it’s not helping anyway, and returns to Netflix’s main menu. There, her eye catches one of the shows she’s been binging lately. Not that she has time to binge watch something like some students do, but for her it’s as close as it gets, watching a few episodes a week. She really likes it and actually looks forward to new episodes, especially now that she’s caught up and depends on them. Without paying much attention, her fingers find their way to the keypad on her phone and she starts typing in the name of the show in the search bar. At least that is something she’s willing to talk about. Not too deep, not too personal and not something she expects to find a lot of competitive overachievers who like to talk down to others, like she’s been used to in school and at social events she’s forced to attend by her parents. A few groups pop up and she decides to join one that’s not too full. She can’t handle meeting -no, _potentially_ meeting because a lot might be offline- over twenty people at once.

She types a simple “Hey!” and hits send. Her eyes are glued to the screen as she waits for a reply. Only seconds later she’s rewarded. Not with one, but with two replies. Two greetings, from Livewire and Alex. She briefly wonders how someone procures a name like Alex on an application used by millions of people worldwide, and because her inhibitions are almost all gone proceeds to ask this very question.

It’s not Alex who replies though, it’s Livewire. “She won’t tell us. We think she might have killed someone for it”

“Ur just jealous, Leslie” Comes Alex’s reply which is met with another message from Livewire, “Livewire* my name’s livewire.”

“whatever” Alex says. Lena’s equal parts confused and amused. “Let me guess, ur names Lena?”

Lena confirms this and is immediately greeted with some bad science puns ranging from “what should you do with a dead chemist? Barium” to “what was Avogadro’s favourite sport? Golf, because he always got a mole-in-one”.

After Alex has spewed some of her puns, Livewire cuts in with a few and they end up having a pun battle. Lena decides to join in and share some of her own puns, she has always been a sucker for science puns and is surprised she seems to have found people having a similar interest so different from what she expected to find in a group chat about a tv show.

 

Lena proceeds to talk to the pair for the better part of an hour, their discussions flowing naturally from science puns to college struggles to their preferred alcoholic beverages. Even though she might be starting to feel a little light-headed, and she can no longer tell whether the empty feeling in her chest is gone or just replaced by an alcohol-induced cloud, Lena stays up to talk.

Then, suddenly –or at least it seems like that to Lena- Livewire mentions Alex’s girlfriend and Lena was sure Alex is a girl. And though she’s seen it on television and read about it on the internet, she’s still shocked that it’s actually something people really do. Get in a relationship with someone of the same sex, that is. And Alex is about as real as one of the characters on tv, but at the same time so much more because Alex is bound by the rules of normalcy, of not always getting everything, and not living in a fantasy world where anything is possible. Alex is living on the same plane of existence as Lena is and Alex has a girlfriend.

Before she even realises what she’s asking, she’s sent “Girlfriend? Aren’t you a girl?” -or something that resembles it because her fine motor skills were turned off a few ounces ago- and is met with a long silence.

After a while, Livewire answers her, “yes, you got a problem with that because then ur kinda stupid for joining this group.”

Lena thinks for a moment, she’s already given this specific topic a lot of thought recently and has concluded that maybe she doesn’t entirely agree with her family. At least not on the ‘unnatural and unhealthy’ part.

“No” she says before she starts a fight with the people she’s just starting to like. “Why’d I be stupid for joining if I did though?”

The reply comes extremely unexpected. Even more so than the announcement that Alex has a girlfriend. Apparently, she’s managed to join a group chat for a specific gay ship of the main characters of the show instead of a general chat about said show. She didn’t finish typing the name of the show in the search bar and realises now how this has happened. Her mouth falls open in confused shock as she realises her mistake. She doesn’t leave the chat though. It’s a nice chat so who cares what its name is or what it was originally about, as long as she can enjoy herself and make the nagging feelings fade for a while.

On the top of her screen, the message that Alex is typing pops up but before she can type her reply, probably, someone else suddenly makes an appearance.

“Alex! U 8 the last piece of pie and u know I wanted it!” Shouts the new addition to their conversation called ‘Potstickersss’. A true argument commences between the two over who ate what and when and Lena can’t follow it. Lena reads everything with curiosity and after a while -a very long while, longer than she should have needed but she blames it on the high concentration of ethanol in her blood- deduces the two must be living together. This must be Alex’s girlfriend. The argument quiets down, but the pair doesn’t respond to the chat awhile, presumably having taken their fight back to the offline world and going at it by actual shouting.

Livewire doesn’t say anything, so Lena’s phone remains silent. She falls back against her mattress and stares up at the white ceiling. The rough surface with the by now familiar peculiar dark stain the size of a hand in a weird way gives her solace. She drifts off to a place somewhere between slumber and wakefulness as the small splotches of paint start to dance in front of her eyes.

A ‘ploink’ from her phone draws her back to the world of the living and she rubs her eyes, trying to make the paint stop dancing and have her eyes focus on the lightened-up screen. It seems that Alex and Potstickersss have fought out their pie issues, and any lingering food-related frustrations, because the latter has just noticed their group has a new addition and welcomes her, immediately followed by the question what her favourite food is.

Lena snickers, sends a greeting back and answers the question by saying she’s always up for brownies and that she presumes potstickers are Potstickersss favourite food. Her assumption is confirmed with a few pictures of potstickers and louds protest of Livewire to not get her started, please. Alex threatens to have her removed if she opens up this can of worms, and though Lena doesn’t exactly know what ‘this can’ is she assumes it’s talk about food. It does seem a touchy subject for the couple. She changes the topic and asks about whether Potstickersss is in college too. She tells Lena she’s an undergrad majoring in journalism. It’s technically the same thing as Livewire studies, only Potstickersss focusses on written press and investigative journalism while Livewire studies interactive and broadcasting journalism.

Livewire jumps in and tries to convince Lena her take on journalism is better and less outdated than Potstickersss, who attempts to defend herself by saying at least she’s into hard-hitting journalism and actually wants to know the truth before broadcasting it to the world.

Lena can’t pick between the two. They both make a good case and they sound utterly adorable, bickering over who’s better when in reality they’re trying to compare apples and oranges.

“Ur cute” she tells them, only to realise what she just said and trying to take it back. “sorry I’m a little drunk maybe.”

When she looks back, it looks a lot less like actual words than it’s supposed to. Typing on a phone screen was never her strong suit and tonight is not her best night.

“@ 9 pm?” Potstickersss asks.

Before Lena’s slow fingers can type their reply, a message from Alex comes through.

“Maybe she’s in a different time zone stupid,” it reads.

Because it’s true and Lena just can’t be bothered by typing an extensive explanation, she clicks the small cross and undoes all the typing in favour of sending an emoji of a hand with a finger pointing up.

“4 am,” she adds to clarify what it time it actually is for her.

“Shouldn’t you sleep then?” Potstickersss asks.

“Go sleep idiot.” Livewire is clearly on the same wavelength as Potstickersss right now.

“Don’t wanna,” Lena replies, followed by the question whether they’re all in the US. Clearly Potstickersss is, and assuming she and Alex live together, otherwise the latter wouldn’t have eaten the former’s pie right, Alex does too.

Livewire tells her she’s in the US too and most of the chat is. A few of the less active members are spread across the globe, but most of the ones actually engaging in conversation are indeed in the US. She gets the question where she is back and tells them she’s currently residing in Ireland.

She gets flooded with questions about the country and the accents and whether she also has one and if she’d please share it. So, of course she records herself talking, her hand covering her camera. She presses play and says the first thing that comes to mind.

“I probably wouldn’t have done this if I weren’t drunk. Please don’t remind me I did this tomorrow. But yes, I’m in Ireland, and yes the accents are kinda cool,” she presses the stop button and sends the video without much thought. She really hopes they listen and do not remind her tomorrow.


	2. How do you blind an Irish woman?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments already! I bless thou (and basically anyone who's reading this) with this chapter

She wakes up with a pounding headache and a wet spot on the floor -soaking her socked foot as soon as she puts it down to get up- and the battery of her phone drained. She mutters a few choice words as she peels the wet fabric off and tosses it to the side, releasing the smell of strong liquor. Her stomach threatens to turn and she rushes to her bathroom, dry heaving over the toilet bowl until the nausea subsides. Small beads of sweat cling to her face and plasters her clothes to her body. She struggles herself out of the constricting garments and leaves them in a pile on the floor, she’ll clean them up later. With a grunt, she lifts herself off of the floor and steadies her body with her hands holding onto the wall. The room spins a little and she waits for it to slow down before she reaches out a single hand to turn on the shower. She then flings her hand over to the medicine cabinet and fumbles for some painkillers, downing a few dry.

When the water is finally warm, she shuffles under the strong stream and lets it drip down her skin, one hand still holding on to the wall to keep from tipping over. Unsteadily, she manages to clean herself and even wash her hair, though she might have mixed up her shampoo and body wash but who cares, it’s both soap.

From her closet, she grabs the first pair of panties she can find and puts them on. Then she turns around to locate her favourite hoodie and, after finding it draped over her desk chair, throws it on too. She grabs a semi-clean towel and throws it in the general direction of the spill she’d stepped in when she woke up and walks back to her bathroom to drink some water. She’s not up for any social interaction and thus avoids the kitchen she shares with her hallmates, eternally grateful for her private bathroom supplying her with endless amounts of water. After she’s quenched her thirst and feels her headache diminish a little, she pops her phone on the charger and falls down in her desk chair, pulling several text books towards her and starting a small stack of literature she feels like she might need. She leans over to pick up her glasses that must’ve fallen off her head sometime last night and pushes them up her nose as she leans back over her desk and opens the first textbook. Ploughing through the stack, she makes notes of all the details she deems important and starts outlining the beginning of what is going to become her next research paper.

She gets lost in the familiar style of scientific writing while simultaneously exploring the nooks and crannies of her mind concerning this specific topic, looking for missing information or new insights. After a while, she notices an inconsistency in the information between different textbooks and searches through them again, checking her notes and writing down what each book says and who it’s written by. She turns on her computer and curses at the device when the screen lights up, casting her room in an eerie glow. In a reflex, her eyes shut closed and start to tear and she blindly fumbles for the button to tone down the brightness of the screen. She carefully pries a single eye open, blinking rapidly at the sudden intrusion of light but determined to adjust to it. When the screen’s brightness is down as low as it gets without turning black and her one eye is used to it, she opens the other and allows it to adjust too.

She decides to start her search on Web of Science and looks up all relevant articles, making note of everything she needs and downloading the articles she wants to use for later reference. Steadily, she fills up the folder on her desktop and finds more and more concerning contradictions, even in recent literature. She keeps looking for anything to explain this oddity, this overlooked disagreement, but comes up empty. She works her way through several other databases in search for more literature to create a more solid foundation for her findings before her bladder screams for her to please empty it.

On her way back, her attention is drawn to her phone once again. By now, it’s fully charged and she turns it on. She’s barely typed in her password when the notifications start streaming in and she’s honestly quite baffled. The only thing she usually misses when turning off her phone for several hours are news items or an email from her mother stating a date and time for her to show up to next, dressed to the nines and a fake smile plastered on her face to show the world what a perfect family they are. To show the world that even the loss of Lionel Luthor is not enough to break any of them. To pretend.

 

She stares at the unfamiliar app icon, the cause of all her notifications, and tries to remember when she downloaded _that_. Judging by the lingering headache from the night before spent drinking, it was somewhere during that same time. With a shrug she clicks the icon and a dark screen pops up with two names on it. One very similar to, but not quite, the name of one of the tv shows she’s been watching recently and another called ‘Potstickersss’. She opens the tv show one, the layout of the app bringing back some memories of joining the group.

She scrolls all the way to the top to read back what she’s written and lets out grunts and groans at not only the quality of her typing, it’s a mystery anyone even got what she was saying with the mess her spelling and grammar turn into when she’s drunk, but more so at the fact that she even sent a voice recording of herself. At least drunk her was clear minded enough to realise she wouldn’t want to hear it back sober. With the weight of a stone in her stomach and her nose scrunched in disgust at her own antics and voice, she listens it back. At least it’s not as bad as it could’ve been, she didn’t actually end up saying anything inappropriate.

Somewhere mid-conversation there’s no longer any texts from herself, while the others keep chatting away. That’s probably where she dozed off.

She reads up, skimming over some of the conversation and types a ‘not dead, but very embarrassed’ text when she reads the other people in the chat wondered where she’d gone and whether she’d suffocated in her own drunk puke. When she’s read up she sends it and moves to the next chat. The one with Potstickersss. At least now she knows who Potstickersss is. Or, well, sort of.

There’s at least half a dozen texts from Potstickersss and she curiously reads up.

_“Hey! You stopped talking so I just wanted to make sure we didn’t say anything to chase you away.”_  
“Oh, maybe you fell asleep.”  
_"Sleep tight then. You sounded like you needed it.”_  
_“I hope you’re not dead.”_  
_“Alex said you probably passed out in a puddle of your own puke and I hope she’s wrong.”_  
_“I completely forgot to introduce myself! How stupid of me. I’m Kara btw.”_  
_“It’s night here now, but I hope you don’t have a major headache like Alex does after drinking when you wake up.”  
_ _“Good night, again.”_

The last two texts were sent a few hours after the rest and Lena’s both a little appalled yet also weirdly touched and she suddenly feels something unfamiliar tugging at her chest. She doesn’t particularly like the feeling and just wishes it would go away. She does, however, decide to text this Kara back because kindness is for free and it’s not like this person can actually do anything to hurt her more than she’s hurting already. It’s a simple text, only saying her headache isn’t too bad and wishing Kara a good night back, but she feels a lot better afterwards for some strange reason.

She puts down her phone, grabs a bottle of water and gets back to her desk to scour through more literature. She’s not even two minutes in when her phone buzzes. And buzzes again. And again. And again.

With a sigh, she rolls away from her desk and grabs her phone. Seeing notifications from the new app, she briefly checks them out and deems them unimportant for the moment. Livewire saying she’s woken up because it’s hot outside and her ac is broken are not of any importance. Nor is Livewire congratulating Lena on not dying. After searching for a moment, she finds the button to mute the chat for a few hours and puts back her phone.

A while later she’s once again interrupted by her phone. She looks at her clock, realises it’s already halfway through the day and reluctantly drops the leg tugged up between her and the desk. She should probably eat something.

First, though, she checks her phone because she’s never had so many notifications. Is this why all her classmates where constantly on their phones? Because other people talked to them?

It’s not the group chat though, because she’s calculated that one won’t give her any new notifications until somewhere later tonight. One look at her screen tells her it’s in fact Potstickersss -Kara, she mentally corrects- talking to her.

_“Thank you! I slept like a baby. Hope you slept well too and I’m glad you’re not dead.”_

“I slept fine, thank you.” Lena types but doesn’t comment on the last part of Kara’s message, unsure of what to do with it. Unsure of what’s expected of her and not believing it to be true anyway. As if it would really matter to Kara whether she be dead or alive.

She unplugs her phone, slips it in the pouch of her hoodie and puts on a pair of shorts she takes from her closet. She looks down at her bare feet and ponders for a moment whether to put on some footwear. Seeing as she’s going into the kitchen and her hallmates aren’t the cleanest, she puts on a pair of slippers to avoid stepping in any goo on the floor. It’s a lesson she learned the hard way.

On her way to the kitchen she wonders if it isn’t extremely early in the morning for Kara and does the calculation. She’s right. It’s not even eight o’clock wherever Kara is and she can’t help but wonder why she’d be up at that time on a Saturday nonetheless. She plops two slices of bread in the toaster and sits down on a kitchen chair to wait. Her fingers are restless, just like her mind and she ends up taking her phone from her pocket. Before she realises what she’s doing, she’s sent a text off to Kara asking her why she’s up at this ungodly hour in the weekend.

Kara doesn’t respond until Lena’s back in her room, toast finished and paperwork now all dragged down to the floor because she likes working while sitting on the floor for some strange reason. Don’t tell her mother, though, because a Luthor does not sit on the floor and if Lillian ever found out her daughter did, Lena’s not sure she wants to know what repercussions will follow.

_“The sun was up.”_ Reads the text, as if that’s an explanation. A second message follows shortly after the first.

_“I went for a run, sorry I didn’t respond.”_

“It’s okay.” Lena sends back, her research forgotten.

_“I hope your headache is getting better.”_

“It is, thank you.”

_“Good. So, what have you been doing today?”_

If Lena weren’t so clueless about how to talk to people, she might wonder why someone was interested in her daily activities, but since she is she just rolls with it and responds.

“Working on a new scientific paper.”

While she waits for Kara to respond, her eyes drift through her room and land on the towel half covering the liquid stain -by now mostly dried up- on the floor. She gets up with a huff and decides she might as well clean it.

_“On a Saturday?”_ Kara asks her and Lena can’t help but laugh a little. They have very different ideas of what activities are suitable for Saturdays.

“Yes, on a Saturday.”

_“But Saturdays are meant for fun things. Like meeting with friends, playing games or reading books.”_

“I /am/ reading books, and I don’t really have any friends to meet or play games with.” Lena doesn’t know where the sudden bout of honesty comes from, maybe it’s because this person is too far away to actually judge or because she just desperately needs someone to talk to, but there’s nothing she can do about it seeing she’s already hit send.

_“That sounds sad. If you want, I can be your friend.”_

Oh, she’s never thought of it that way. It _is_ rather pathetic, not having friends and though her goal with getting some social contact online wasn’t to actually make friends, she’s not going to decline the offer.

“Sure.”

_“Hey, want to hear a joke?”_

“Okay”

_“How do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch?”_

_“Paddy O’furniture.”_

Lena laughs wholeheartedly at the corny joke and thanks Kara for it. She didn’t know how much she could use a laugh until she had it.

_“Okay, how about this one, Alex told me and maybe you like it too.”_

_“How do you blind an Irish woman?”_

“I don’t know. How do you?”

_“You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)


	3. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Over the next several weeks, Lena spends her free time talking to Kara whenever the girl is online. Though they seem very different in some things, for example in their beliefs of what’s a good time to wake up in the weekend and how to spend the time after it, they also have similarities. Kara was adopted, just like Lena, though at the age of thirteen when her parents died in a tragic house fire. Lena had to piece that information together with some reading between the lines and connecting information from the group chat and their personal conversations. Alex is Kara’s adoptive big sister, not her girlfriend; they coincidentally were both at their mom’s for the weekend when she met them.

On numerous occasions, Lena has caught herself staying up late to talk to Kara. Tonight, she’s also up late, but she hasn’t really talked to Kara yet. She’s been up since six am because she wanted to watch the latest episode of the show she’s joined a group chat about in the first place and has been brooding ever since, caught up in her own mind and trying to dissect her feelings. It doesn’t help. Eventually, she decides she’s not going to make sense of it on her own.

“Kara?” She asks and puts her phone to the side, trying not to check it obsessively every minute because she knows she won’t have a message until it actually makes a sound. She worries her lip between her teeth as she thinks again. Her phones stops her from gnawing so much she draws blood and she shoots up to check the message.

_“Lena?”_

She’s right back to biting her lip again, because of course Kara can’t read her mind. Kara doesn’t know what she means when she says her name. She’ll have to explain, but without giving away too much. She doesn’t want Kara to think she’s strange or a bad person. Her fingers hover over her screen for a moment while she finds the right words to ask the question she wants answered.

“What does it mean when you watch something and it feels like your stomach makes a summersault and you feel all weird low in your belly?”

Kara takes a moment to respond, typing and deleting her text several times. Lena can tell, because a message telling her Kara’s typing appears and disappears multiple times at the top of the screen and she starts worrying she’s asked the wrong thing. Offended Kara by even asking. That Kara caught on what she’s referring to and is mad at her, wants to never talk to Lena again.

_“You mean the kiss?”_

Lena silently berates herself, of course Kara knew she’s talking about the kiss. The group chat hasn’t talked about anything else since. It’s nearly exploded ever since the two people the group chat is based on have locked lips.

Lena folds her knees up against her own body, the dreadful feeling of loneliness creeping back into her chestbecause this is it. This is where she says, “yes, the kiss” and Kara tells her to stop texting her and die. This is where Kara tells her she’s toxic and damaging and shouldn’t contact her ever again. This is where Kara screams at her. Tells her she’s crazy. Tells her she needs to be institutionalised. This is-

_“Lena?”_

_“Are you okay?”_

“Yes, fine” Lena lies. She shouldn’t have gotten attached, it only makes it hurt more. She should’ve known better.

_“I don’t think you are but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”_

Lena drops the hand holding her phone. So much for finding people to talk to. So much for making friends and feeling like people understood her. Feeling like she connected.

Her phone chimes, signalling a new message. She doesn’t check it, releases her hold of it and wraps her newly free hand around her knees, burying her face in the crevice between her legs. She focusses on her breathing; slow deep breaths in and even slower breaths out, trying to calm herself a little. Not crying, though. She’s never been allowed to cry ever since she’s adopted so she’s shut down that part of herself. She doesn’t want to suffer the consequences and even though Lillian has no way of finding out whether she’s cried on the other side of the world, she still can’t and won’t. It’s been ingrained too deeply to just let go. Even an ocean away, Lillian still has a death grip on Lena and no intention of letting go. Lena’s pretty sure that even Lillian dying won’t release that hold on her.

Her phone keeps on chiming but she shuts the sound out, tries to blink away the burning in her eyes and tightens her hold on her knees. There’s no reason to check her messages, she already knows Kara’s going to tell her to get help or kill herself. She topples over and buries her face in her pillow, draws her covers up and hides herself from the world.

 

Hours later, she wakes up with folds from her pillow cover on her cheek and a phone filled with messages. Not wanting to be confronted with them immediately, she doesn’t check any of them and instead makes dinner. In an attempt to postpone the inevitable even longer, she reads a few chapters of a new book she’s been wanting to get started on and drags herself to her bathroom for a shower. She feels a little refreshed afterwards and though she doesn’t want to, she knows she’ll have to eventually and it’s better to just get it over with, so she checks her notifications.

There’s several from the app she uses to talk to Kara and a single text, from Lex. She opts to save the text from Lex for later, they’ve been learning to talk to each other like they used to again. Just treading a little more careful around certain subjects, but lately it’s been nothing but positivity from her big brother and she thinks she’ll need that after reading Kara’s messages.

She opens the app and sees she not only has messages from Kara, but also from Livewire and there’s been several dozen missed messages in the group chat. The latter can wait. Lena starts with Kara’s messages. Kara has always been nice to her and her spiteful words might sting the hardest, but Liverwire’s are sure to be meaner and Lena is certain she deserves them and should let them build upon the hurt she will surely get from Kara’s words.

She takes a determined breath in and clicks on Kara’s name.

_“btw. The kiss, it’s normal to feel like that. I think we all felt it.”_

_“Lena?”_

_“Lena are you there?”_

_“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret.”_

_“What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?”_

_“Their middle name”_

_“Lena? Please say something”_

_“Did I say something wrong?”_

_“Lena? Are you okay? You’re worrying me.”_

_“Lena?”_

The messages are followed by several gifs of animals hugging each other and a gif of Stitch holding up a sign saying ‘sorry’. Lena doesn’t know what to do because this is the last thing she expected to happen. She blankly stares at the screen, blinking owlishly as she takes it in. Kara isn’t offended by her question. Kara doesn’t think she’s insane nor that she needs to be institutionalised. Kara’s _worried_ about her. That’s a first, someone besides Lex actually being worried about her, especially someone she doesn’t really know. Lena’s so unused to it, she nearly drops her phone in confusion, her muscles going limp and her grip slipping until she snaps out of it. Or, at least, snaps out of the strong bodily reaction.

With trembling fingers, she types a reply.

“You’re not mad?” She does not to comment on anything Kara said, unable to wrap her mind around what she’s supposed to say or do and still reeling from shock.

Almost instantly a reply comes through. _“Of course I’m not mad, why would I be?”_

Lena tries to reply. She types a “because” but stops. Come to think of it, she doesn’t actually know why Kara would be mad. She’s just been conditioned to think that anything she says that shows her feelings on a matter is usually answered with disappointment and hate. However, she doesn’t want to tell Kara this because Kara is a great example of one of the people her parents force her to hate. Kara’s bisexual and Lillian hates anyone who doesn’t fit her view of the world, anyone who isn’t straight and cisgender automatically gets placed in the ‘unhealthy, unnatural and weak’ box and used as examples to teach Lena and Lex how they should not behave.

“No reason. Are you sure it’s normal?” Lena asks Kara instead.

_“Yes, I think every queer person on the planet felt it. Maybe even some straights.”_

Lena immediately notices the, probably, unintended assumption Kara makes. Lena isn’t queer though, that would be extremely inconvenient. Especially with her family and her already rocky relationship with them. No, Kara probably didn’t mean to and added the last part so Lena is included too. Because Lena’s straight. She’s just very supportive of the queer community and interested in it because it’s _different_ from what she’s used to seeing on tv and reading in books. But no way she’s anything but straight.

Consciously she knows it’s not a choice, but she ignores that because why wouldn’t she be straight? She’ll meet the right guy one day, just like everyone tells her. She’s just a late bloomer. She’ll like a guy eventually, right.

A new message from Kara drags her from thought. Before Lena can open it, it’s followed by two more.

_“Are you sure you’re okay?”_

_“It’s late, maybe you should go sleep. You have a test tomorrow and you need rest to nail it.”_

_“Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite”_

Lena checks her clock and _shit!_ a lot more time has passed than she thought. This whole ordeal, starting with the newest episode airing and ending with this conversation, is messing with her head. She’d almost forgotten about her big final, one she’s been studying for since the start of the course.

Kara may be right; she really needs to sleep, but she also really wants to review the material one more time to confirm that she knows everything. To make sure she’ll get a perfect mark, because she can’t go home for Christmas break with anything less than perfect grades and a long list of new papers with her name on them. She doesn’t tell Kara this though, she wishes the girl goodnight back and opens up the chat with Livewire.

_“You’re not going to kill yourself, are you? Because I don’t think Foodie will survive that so just send her a message to at least confirm you’re alive.”_

_“If you’re not going to confirm you’re alive I’m personally coming over to kill you because Kara won’t shut up and I’m trying to get something done. Okay, someone, you’re clam jamming me here Lena. Twat swatting, cliterfering, cunt stunting, beaver damming. I’m being vagected! I do NOT appreciate it.”_

_“Finally. But you owe me one.”_

The third message has a time stamp dating a few minutes ago. Kara must’ve sent Livewire a message Lena had finally responded. Or maybe Kara stopped talking to Livewire for a few minutes to talk to Lena. Though probably not, why would she discontinue a conversation with Livewire in favour of talking to Lena. She wouldn’t. She must’ve just let her know Lena’s not dead.

Lena doesn’t send Livewire anything. She doesn’t know what to send her anyway. She’s already answered her own question with her third text so there’s no reason for Lena to bother her with some stupid message back.

She closes the app and opens her text message to read the one she received from Lex.

_“Congratulations! We’re all proud of you.”_

But Lena knows it’s not true. She knows Lex is just saying that because her mother wouldn’t ever even acknowledge the fact that Lena has published another paper, has written an important scientific review on her own. Lena can never do anything to make her mother proud. Lena can’t even get her mother to look at her with anything but disappointment and disgust. Lex saying ‘we’ is just a weak attempt at covering it up. Lena’s sure the entire staff of the Luthor manor is proud of her, that Lex is proud of her, but that doesn’t matter. She doesn’t need to impress them. They’re proud of her for just breathing. No, it’s Lillian whose validation she craves, even if she doesn’t want to admit it.

She shoots Lex a text back, thanking him and asking how everything is going at his company, Luthorcorp, before she drags a book on her lap and starts revising the test material until her eyes burn and the sun is starting to peep up behind the buildings out her window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)


	4. What's red and moves up and down?

Lena knows when to admit she was wrong. To others at least. There’s no shame in realising something you said or did was not right, it shows personal growth. But admitting you’re wrong to yourself is a whole different story and a lot harder. So, Lena doesn’t. She keeps ignoring the nagging in the back of her head and gets herself through the day. Goes to classes, starts thinking of new ideas for papers, signs up for extra courses and talks to Kara.

 

Kara has been talking about this guy she really likes who moved into the dorm across her hallway after a breakup with his girlfriend. And Lena really likes talking to Kara a lot, but she just doesn’t want to hear about Kara’s crush on this fellow. She doesn’t want to hear Kara tell her how tall he is, or how deep his voice is or how he knows her name. She listens anyway, and responds like she wants to listen, encouraging Kara to talk to him if she really likes him, but Lena doesn’t _want_ to. She can’t seem to place herself in Kara’s shoes, thinking about a guy like that.

So, when Kara seems to stop talking about anything else, Lena’s replies become slower and sparser and when Kara starts dating him, Kara is the one who doesn’t respond to Lena anymore until deep into the night well after Lena’s long since fallen asleep. Lena can’t help but feel replaced. Where she would lately spend her nights messaging back and forth with Kara, she now is back in her room alone with the curtains drawn and a bottle of whiskey in her hand. The sting of loneliness is back and even though she still has a group chat to talk to, it just isn’t the same.

On her way for a new bottle -she’s been running out of them a lot faster now than before- a girl presses a pamphlet in her hand. It’s deep red and has simple black print inviting her to a party. Her brows knit together as she looks up at the girl, confused why someone would ask her, Lena Luthor trust-fund baby -emphasis on baby-, to a party.

“Booze is on me,” the girl tells her and Lena knows that shouldn’t be enough to convince her, because it’s extremely unhealthy, but she can’t help it. She doesn’t ask the girl why she’s invited, or whether she even knows who Lena is. She just accepts the piece of paper and continues her way to the liquor store.

 

The following night, Lena’s on her way to the address on the red paper. She hasn’t heard from Kara today and this is the perfect way to get her mind off of it, without spending her night alone. After a short walk, she finds herself on the other side of campus in front of a dorm. She can already hear the music coming from one of the floors, lights in different colours seeping out of several windows and a few drunk people staggering out already. Lena braces herself, lifts her chin and opens the door. She follows the sound and arrives at the third floor where a hallway party is in full swing. She hasn’t even taken a single step and a cup of -presumably- beer is pressed in her hands. She sniffs it, confirms it’s beer, shrugs and chugs it. It’s why she’s here in the first place, isn’t it.

Several cups of beer and a few shots in, Lena begins questioning her decision to come to the party. She doesn’t know anyone and the handsy college guys are extremely annoying. She staggers across the hallway to find a room that’s a little less full in hopes of getting away from the dude who’s been trying to hit on her for the last hour or so. Unsuccessfully. Lena’s not interested and has told him so at least a dozen times, but like a true stuck up rich kid he doesn’t let go. Lena slips inside a room and slams the door shut behind her, leaning her back against it to keep it closed and keep football-boy out.

After a minute or so, Lena lets her weight fall back to her own feet and moves away a little from the door. Without checking the room she’s in -it’s dark and silent that’s enough- she slips her phone from her pocket and hopes for a message from Kara. There isn’t any. Half angry, half sad Lena sends the girl one herself.

“Hey! Are you with your guy or have you forgotten about me?” It’s not very nice to ask, but Lena doesn’t care about nice at this point. She’s bitter Kara seems to have forgotten her even though she has no right to and should’ve seen this coming from afar. It’s not a miracle Kara moved on the moment she found someone more interesting to talk to. Someone she can actually hold a proper conversation with, face to face, without time zones and oceans separating them.

She doesn’t get a reply from Kara in the following five minutes and sends several more messages to Kara ranging from questions whether she’s still alive to asking what she’s been doing lately. When she still doesn’t get a reply, she doesn’t think Kara’s busy doing something else, no, she just ups her game and sends a pun because that seems to be their thing now. Their way of saying sorry, of asking how the other is doing, of consolidating and of joking, of venting and of sharing happiness.

“What’s red and moves up and down?”

“A tomato in an elevator.”

Lena laughs a good few minutes at her own joke.

The sound must’ve given her away because suddenly football-boy is standing in front of her, nearly pressing her against the wall. One of his hands next to her face and the other holding on to her waist, inching to an area she definitely does _not_ want his hands to be. She tries to push him off, but he’s got several inches and a lot more pounds -mainly muscle- on her and it’s futile. He doesn’t budge and he’s too drunk to take a no for a no.

“Get off me,” she tells him and she tries to give him a knee. But her own coordination has flown out the window and she ends up kneeing his upper leg, a lot less effective than she wanted.

He only blinks, grunts and moves even closer, pressing her flush against the wall with his entire body. Lena can smell the alcohol on his breath as he leans forward, his mouth nearly connecting with her ear.

“If you fight, you’ll only make it harder on yourself. I know you want this as much as I do,” he breathes, his lips moving from beside her head to right in front of her.

Just when he’s about to lean his head forward again, someone interrupts them.

“Hey, Lena, there you are,” a female voice says, “Jake, get off my girlfriend.”

Lena’s not sure whether the girl means girlfriend as in _girlfriend_ or just in the way girls call their friends girlfriend sometimes but at this point she doesn’t exactly care. The guy leaning over her snaps his head towards the sound and leans away from her. Lena uses the moment to slip away from football-boy and moves to stand a little behind the girl who interrupted him. He looks surprised at the loss of a girl to impose himself on and eventually leaves the room.

Thanks to the light spilling through the doorway, Lena can vaguely see the girl who’s saved her. Tonight, she’s Lena’s hero, with her straight brown hair and tattoos snaking up her legs and peeking out of her sleeves. Lena’s just too relieved to even begin to imagine what Lillian would say about a girl with tattoos like these, let alone a girl wearing a dress this short and showing off so much leg. Pretty legs, though. Very pretty legs with a slight tan. Slender feet in high heels, making her legs look even longer until the top of her thighs hide beneath the hem of her tight red dress. The one hugging her curves perfectly and-

Lena should probably keep her eyes somewhere else. It’s not like a lady to ogle at someone, let alone at another girl. She’s not like that. She meets two amused light brown eyes and in a split second they’re a lot closer than before.

“I hope he didn’t bother you too much. Guys can be real turn offs,” the girl says, pressing even closer so Lena reflexively steps back.

Lena nods her head, guys can be real jerks and she’s glad this girl came in and sent him off her but she’s still trying to understand the situation and now this girl is pressing up in her personal space and she doesn’t even know if she minds. Surprisingly, she minds it a lot less than football-boy invading her personal space.

Her back hits the wall on the other side of the room and she still hasn’t decided whether she actually minds this girl being so close. When the slender girl’s breath tickles the skin of her neck and her lips nip at Lena’s ear lobe, tracking a soft pattern down her cheek to meet her lips, Lena gives up trying to make sense of it. The girl’s lips connect with hers and something deep inside her awakes and reciprocates the kiss. Teeth scrape across her bottom lip and Lena gasps her mouth open, allowing the other girl’s tongue entrance. They struggle for dominance and Lena grips at the fabric of the girl’s dress around her hips. It’s too tight to get a good hold on, but Lena doesn’t care, she plants her palms on the brunette’s hip bones and roughly presses her back. Their mouths stay connected as Lena moves with her, first a little to her left to kick the door closed and then the other girl takes over and pushes Lena back instead, guiding her further inside the room. Lena’s calves connect with something solid and she falls back, taking the other girl with her and dragging her on top.

Frantic hands slip her out of her clothes layer by layer while she tries to keep up and unzips the dress the girl is wearing. Naked skin connects with naked skin and Lena had stopped thinking about what she’s doing the moment she returned the kiss.

She slides a little further on the bed -she’s just noticed she’s on top of something soft so it must be a bed- and the girl straddles her waist, eagerly kissing along her collar bones and surely leaving some marks. When the girl nibbles at just the right spot where Lena’s neck meets her shoulder, she loses herself entirely in the sensation and forgets the world around her, not knowing whether the small whimpers and moans filling the room are hers, the girl’s or her imagination playing tricks on her.

 

* * *

 

The first thing Lena notices is she’s naked. Completely. The fabric of her covers slides against her bare skin and for a moment she thinks she’s walked home naked last night. That is, until her eyes fall on a pile of clothing next to her bed. Clothing that’s decidedly not hers and, after picking it apart lacks any underwear. The pile consists of her own jeans and shirt but she doesn’t recognise the sweater, one with several holes and tears in it and clearly not something her mother would ever approve of her buying and most definitely not something Lena would dare wearing knowing her mother somehow always found out about her less flattering clothing decisions.

Bits and pieces of the night before come back to her and she remembers being pressed into a mattress by a girl but not whatever happened after. Did she really have sex with a girl? She’s straight. Why would she do that? Though what she does remember from it was a lot better than anything with any guy she’s dated before. But still, she’s straight. Right?

Lena shakes her head, trying to clear her mind of last night’s adventure and tries to forget everything as she freshens up and gets dressed. Her headache is a lot better than she expected and she suddenly remembers texting Kara and nearly guilt-tripping the poor girl into giving Lena attention. Lena opens up the app and without even checking any of the notifications she’s received during the night, without even checking whether Kara sent her any messages, types an apology because what she did was not cool. It was far from, not that Lena’s usually cool, anything but, but even this is extremely uncool for her.

“I’m sorry about last night. That was totally uncalled for and not very nice of me. You don’t owe me your time or attention so I’m sorry for trying to make you feel guilty for living your life.”

 

Kara doesn’t just forgive her, she even goes as far as apologising for ghosting Lena and promising she’ll talk to her more. Lena is completely befuddled and thrown off guard. Kara manages to surprise her time and time again with the way she reacts to everything Lena says and asks. It’s both frightening and refreshing, these curve balls Kara throws her. For a brief moment Lena entertains the idea Kara is not a girl, but a catfish. An old man trying to lure a girl to his house or naked on a webcam. She even goes as far as thinking Kara’s hired by her mother to keep tabs on Lena, but Kara’s been on the app longer than Lena and Kara really does seem like someone Lena’s age and she hasn’t asked any suspicious questions. Lena quickly casts her doubts away again when Kara starts raving about her college assignments and begins sending Lena pictures of things that make her happy. It’s to compensate for the negativity she’s brought upon Lena with her complaints about her schoolwork and teachers.

Lena doesn’t think Kara needs something to compensate, she loves reading Kara’s texts whether they’re happy or not, Lena doesn’t care. She feels the relief from Kara talking to her again -about stuff other than her new boyfriend- through her entire body. From the tip of her nose to her little toe. She’s glad to have her friend back.

They easily fall back into casual daily conversation, now supplemented with pictures Kara makes throughout her day, most of them of food or dogs at the park and telling each other nearly everything. Nearly, because Lena doesn’t tell Kara about what exactly occurred at the party. She’d rather just bury the memory deep down and forget it ever happened at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on updates are going to be (even) slow(er) because I sadly don't have as much time to write as I want, so hereby already an apology for that. Do know that comments and kudos and everything help to motivate me and you're always free to ask me how far I am with the next update or remind me it's been a while (sometimes life happens and I forget I love writing and have stories waiting for me). You can leave a comment here or talk to me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)


	5. What do you call fake spaghetti?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It's been 84 years. But I haven't abandoned this story, just lost motivation for a while but I think I might have found a piece back. My life is really busy with uni starting up again though so updates are still going to be super slow probably. I hope you're still reading this, please let me know if you do and/or if you enjoy it because that helps me going. Here's my [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com) if you're interested in talking to me there (or sending anonymous asks if you prefer that).

Lena catches herself thinking about that one night at that one party far too often, though, and not in a good way. No, she catches herself daydreaming about the girl on top of her, inside her, around her fingers, her lips on her skin and her hands tugging at her hair.

The small bruises where fingers were dug in her skin she found later and the hickey on her thigh do nothing to stop the memories from flooding over her at the least convenient moments.

It’s not the girl herself that’s occupying her mind and sauntering into her dreams. She no longer has any of her own features, morphing into a being- a woman still- without a clear physical form, without a face, a shape or ethnicity. Without a single flaw. A representation of every woman at once and yet none at all. The embodiment of Aphrodite herself trying to lure Lena into believing this is what she wants. What she needs. Even though it is not, Lena tells herself. She doesn’t want or need this and she will surmount it.

She doesn’t.

It’s starting to interfere with her education, her accomplishments -or lack thereof currently. It keeps her up at night and wakes her up hot and bothered in the early hours of the day in a way so different from her usual nightmares. It’s terrifying and yet not. The dreams are good, great really but they’re still about _her._  Aphrodite -Lena doesn’t know what else to call the woman since she’s become so much more than the tattooed girl in the dark bedroom whose name she doesn’t even know. Though maybe Eros would be more accurate. Eros in the form of a woman of course but Lena doesn’t want to be shoved in the same category as horny teenage boys -or horny boys in their twenties like football-boy for that matter. So, Aphrodite it is, the woman in her dreams. Day and night, awake or asleep, eyes closed or eyes open, Aphrodite is there.

After yet another daydream of soft fingers brushing over the skin of her thighs, working their way up and leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake, Lena determines she needs to take action. She needs help.

 

Between the two people she ever actually talks to, it’s an easy pick. She hardly even takes the time to consider them both. Only Kara really springs to mind. Kara probably is the only one who even understands it a little. Especially since the other person is Lex and this is exactly one of those topics they have avoided talking about. She just doesn’t know what exactly to tell Kara. How to phrase it and what words to pick. Doesn’t know how to convey her feelings and confusion without making herself seem sex-crazed, because that is what it feels like to her. Dirty and obsessed. Inappropriate. Even though the other girl seemed to thoroughly enjoy it – just as much as Lena did – she can’t help but feel disgusted by her own thoughts.

It only takes a second to open up her chat with Kara but a lot longer to actually find the right wording for her message. The first things that come to mind aren’t things she actually wants to send to Kara. Too crude, brass or just weird. There’s no way she’s texting Kara _“I met this girl the other night when I was drunk and we had sex and I think I liked. What do I do now?”_

She can’t come up with a better thing to ask for the longest time and starts thinking about it more. What does it really mean and what does she really want to know?

Finally, she settles on a simple message. Sharing no details whatsoever, not even mentioning that night. It feels like a safe message to send.

“Kara, what if I’m not straight?”

The reply is instantaneous.

_“That’s awesome!”_

 

Again, Kara’s reaction astonishes her. Then she reminds herself Kara isn’t straight so to Kara it might be amazing but to Lena it’s terrifying. It’s dangerous and it’s a paralysing thought, not being straight. She can’t begin to imagine what kind of problems that would bring with it, and she’s currently living an ocean away from her family. It can only go downhill from here if it’s true. It would be so much easier if she’s just straight. If she can get the girl – if she can get Aphrodite – out of her head.

 

_“Are you still there?”_

“Yes” Lena doesn’t know what else to say. It feels like her world stopped spinning and at the same time is turning way too fast. It all feels surreal and maybe, just maybe, if she tries she can make it stop. If she just finds a guy who will mess with her head the same way that girl did.

 

_“Are you okay?”_

“I don’t know,” Lena answers earnestly.

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

“Maybe”

“Yes”

“No”

“I don’t know”

Lena doesn’t really know what exactly there is to talk about. How to tell Kara she’s never felt this marooned. Like someone, without warning, pulled the rug out from under her feet without care. She flings her body back against her mattress, splaying her limbs out on the soft fabric. She feels like she’s floating, mentally. Unable to grasp at what she wants. Unable to grasp at life.

Her phone pings again.

_“Well, I’m here if you do”_

_“Would a pun make you feel a little better?”_

Lena smiles sadly, Kara’s always trying to make her feel better.

“I don’t think it will but thank you”

Lena stares up at the ceiling, focussing on the stain again. She turns on some music on her phone and lets it fall back on the bed. She listens to the familiar notes drift through the air, following them with her fingers, imagining she has keys below her fingers. The only thing she sometimes misses from the Luthor manor is her piano. Pouring her emotions out through sounds, not having to feel them herself for a moment and letting them float away in waves.

Hours pass by and the sun ellipses to the other side of her window, growing weaker and eventually dipping below the horizon. She lets her thoughts drift and makes a strict conclusion for herself, setting in stone with a message to Kara.

“I’m not gay.”

_“Okay”_ comes Kara’s quick reply. Somehow it doesn’t feel right but at the same time it does. Maybe she had expected something else from Kara. For Kara to ask for prove, to contradict her. Maybe she hoped an affirmative sentence from Kara, something like ‘no, you’re not’.

Who’s to say?

At least she’s not gay. Thank God, she’s not gay. That would be a real problem. Not that there is a problem with someone being gay. But there would be if she was. She doesn’t even have to close her eyes to imagine the look on Lillian’s face as she’s being kicked out and cut off. How disappointed Lex would be with her. Lex, the one person who’s opinion matters to her. And Lillian, though she doesn’t like to admit it. No, it’s a good thing she’s not gay because that would have been the biggest let down to her family there was and Lena wasn’t much of an exemplar of herself and she really can’t use another let-down.

 

Now that she’s concluded she’s not gay there’s only one thing left to do. Get that girl out of her head and replace her with a respectable guy. Someone her mother would approve of, preferably, and if all it takes for her mind to go rampant about someone is one night of drunk sex, this should be easy. It only takes her a second to come up with who it should be. Reputable family, good academic track record, decent rugby player, his parents are acquaintances of the Luthors and he’s handsome and confident. Just the guy Lillian would like her to be with.

* * *

It takes her some planning to find a night she’s available and knows he will be too. A night he is most likely to spend at the campus bar. But eventually she manages to find one and finds herself sitting in said dusty bar looking around the interior and criticising each piece of furniture and decoration. He hasn’t arrived yet but she’s sure he eventually will. He’s had rugby practice before and she’s been told he and his team always go for drinks after. Teambuilding, or so they say.

She’s nervous. Her hands are unsteady and she nearly knocks her beer – a disgusting local brand she’s let the bartender talk her into because she wanted to make a decent impression – over. Waiting is tedious and time seems to drag so to kill it, she takes out her phone and opens her messages with Kara. She hasn’t told her friend of her plan in fear of being talked out of it. Maybe she should have. Maybe not telling Kara was a sign she already thought this was a bad plan. She doesn’t let herself backtrack now though, plan set in motion and determined to set herself straight.

“Hey”

“What are you doing?”

Lena puts her sound off but keeps her buzzing on so she’ll know when Kara replies. If Kara replies. Lena nervously plucks at the label on the beer bottle and takes a few more sips. By the time Kara replies she’s nearly finished her drink and the bottle is label-free.

_“Hey! I’m at the store. Should I get pizza or pasta for dinner?”_

Lena smiles at the message and types her reply.

“Pasta. With some veggies because you should eat more of those and pasta sauce can hide them really well if you hate them as much as you say you do.”

_“Pizza it is”_ is followed by a string of angry-face emoji’s and then _“you ruined pasta.”_

Lena can’t help the giggle that escapes her mouth and quickly downs the rest of her drink hoping no one heard her. She doesn’t want to be the weird girl in the bar who drinks alone and laughs at her phone like some friendless idiot. Though the last part may be true that doesn’t mean she wants everyone to know.

“I’d love to see the look on your face when you realise there’s also vegetables in your pizza. Though those don’t really count.”

Kara replies with a picture of herself. It’s the first picture of her Lena’s ever received and her eyes are glued to her screen from the moment she first looks at it. Huge blue eyes stare at her and soft pink lips are making a pout. Kara’s face is framed by waves of blonde hair that looks effortlessly perfect. Small freckles adorn her cheeks and nose, Lena notices after a while, and it only adds to the adorableness.

Behind Lena, the rugby team enters the bar and she needs to blink a few times before she’s able to drag her eyes away from her screen and up to check if _he_ is with them. He is and she lets out a breath of relief before she goes back to messaging with Kara. She doesn’t want him to think she’s been waiting for him.

“You’re really pretty” Lena tells Kara. That’s a normal thing to say. Girls call each other pretty all the time and it’s true. Kara is gorgeous. Now Lena wonders why she hasn’t asked for a picture before. On the other hand, she didn’t want to scare Kara off by asking for pictures and she wasn’t ready to send one of herself either so asking would be rather hypocritical.

_“Thanks!”_

_“What are you doing?”_

Oh. Right. She should have expected that question back.

“Out for a drink” she replies, not wanting to lie to Kara but she’ll never want to reveal her reason for doing so either.

_“Isn’t it rude to text then?”_

“No, why would it be? I don’t think my drink minds”

She chances another look at the rugby team and _him_. He still is good-looking but somehow pales in comparison to Kara who she’s only ever seen on a phone screen. For a few seconds. Five minutes ago. If she’s going to do this, she’ll need something stronger than locally brewed beer. She orders a whiskey and knows she’ll probably have several more before she’s built up enough courage to walk up to him.

_“Your friends might”_ Kara’s reply reads. It leaves a bittersweet taste in Lena’s mouth and a pang in her chest that emphasises the emptiness there. She tries to hide it with humour.

“I don’t have friends, remember. Only you, and you’re clearly not here”

_“I’m sorry”_

_“How about I cheer you up with a great pun I heard the other day?”_

“Sure, fire away” Lena feels a little guilty for making Kara feel bad. Especially knowing Kara feels bad for her when really, she doesn’t have to. Lena’s holding up fine. Sort of.

_“What do you call fake spaghetti?”_

“Is this a jab at me for saying pasta is great for hiding vegetables?”

_“No”_

_“It’s an im-pasta!”_

Somehow the image of Kara, with her cerulean eyes and blonde hair, sun-tanned skin and freckles, makes its way to Lena’s mind. Not the picture she saw earlier of Kara pouting but one of her smiling a dazzling smile. The girl looks like sunshine reincarnated, talks like one and her smile must be able to light up a room. Lena can almost see it. It brings a smile to her own face as she downs her second glass of whiskey – she’s decided she shouldn’t be too drunk and might have another drink with _him_ before so she shouldn’t overdo it – and adjusts her skirt.

She types a quick reply to Kara thanking her and saying she sees someone she knows and maybe they want to have drinks together. Again, not a lie entirely but very far from the truth at the same time. She wishes for the best as she turns off the buzzing of her phone and slips it in her purse, straightens her shoulders and faces the rugby team, ready to join them.


	6. What do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pro-tip: don't dive on top of your hand. You will live to regret it dearly.  
> This tip is unrelated to the content of the story and brought to you by my still blue fingers.

With a final touch up of her hair, Lena takes a deep breath in and slowly expels it and then puts one foot in front of the other again and again until she’s right by the rugby team.

She chooses not to go for the obvious way and instead finds an in through a mutual class and hopes to keep the conversation going. She’s got enough to talk about with him, he’s American too and she knows his parents and their work so it should be easy. Given he’s at least a little bit informed about his parents’ work.

She waits for a brief moment of quiet and his attention to slip from the group.

“You’re in my organic chemistry class, right?” she asks him then, walking a little closer so he’s sure it’s him she’s talking to.

He looks up, his eyes questioning and looking her up and down, briefly lingering on the hem of her dress and slightly longer at her cleavage before stopping at her face. He looks kind and she’s done thorough research so she knows he’s not unfriendly. Usually. She’s also heard someone say he’s got a reputation for setting gay girls straight, which is exactly what she needs – even if she’s not gay – and only makes him more perfect for her goal.

“Yeah, I think so.” He frowns slightly and turns his head slightly to get a better look at her. Lena tries very hard to find it cute and almost succeeds. It has something endearing which definitely helps.

“Lena, isn’t it?” he asks then, startling her a little. She hadn’t expected him to know her. She’s a grey mouse, living in the background of everyone’s life, and she likes it. Though, in class she does sometimes answer the professor’s questions so maybe that’s why he knows her.

“Yes, and you’re Maxwell, right?” She sticks out her hand for him in a formal introduction and he chuckles a little before accepting his. His fingers are rough and large. His hand feels like twice the size of hers and, though she tries very hard to feel like they fit perfectly together, they don’t. She lets go and drops her hand. It’ll probably feel better once she gets to know him a little more.

“I am, though my friends call me Max,” he says as he accepts another refill of his glass. “What are you having?” He lifts his glass to indicate what she’s drinking.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having,” she answers, unsure how drinking expensive whiskey would look when all of his friends are drinking cheap beer.

“Sure? I can get you something else if you want.” He really is rather sweet, especially for a guy.

“I’m sure,” she says with a decisive nod and accepts an empty glass being handed to her from across the table by one of Maxwell’s teammates. Someone else brings the large pitcher with beer over and pours her glass full. Maxwell gets up to offer her his seat and when she tries to refuse he pulls out a chair from another table to sit beside her.

 

They share a few drinks and Lena concludes Max – he insists she call him that – isn’t bad company. Out of all the guys sitting in the group, she’d mind sleeping with him least so he’s the perfect one to set her straight, especially with his rumoured track-record.

During the night, Lena has slowly inched closer to him, leaning over and finding excuses to reach her hand out to touch him. She’s seen other girls do that to go home with one the guys and figures it’ll probably work for her too.

It does. He invites her over to his place and she’s rather relieved she doesn’t have to go to more extremes and put her – already getting more and more fickle with the minute – dignity at stake. He drapes his jacket over her shoulders when they step outside and she involuntarily shivers at the cold. It’s a nice gesture and she’s glad for it because she hadn’t anticipated it being this cold and her clothing might not be as short as she’s seen some other girls wear but there’s still plenty of skin on display for the air to kiss. She’d rather have him kiss it. She thinks. Though, maybe she doesn’t but it gets the job done and since she’s a one-track mind right now she does want him to kiss her bare skin.

He wraps his arm around her waist about halfway through their walk and Lena has to fight the part of her that wants to flinch and step away. She consciously leans into his side and wraps her own arm around his lower back, toying more and more with the waistband of his trousers the closer they get to his place.

Before they get there, though, he pushes her into an alley. Her back is against the wall and he’s pressing in close but not in a constricting way. If she wants out, she can. His eyes are dark and flick between hers and her lips and she knows what’s coming before it’s happening. She anticipates it and leans into it, instead of running away like the little voice in her head screams for her to do.

Their lips connect and it’s nothing like the girl in the too-short dress but not extremely unpleasant either. It’s a little overwhelming. He suddenly seems to be everywhere, even though he still only has one hand touching her, resting softly on her hip without any force or pressure. She kisses back eagerly, even if it doesn’t feel completely right she might make it so if she just goes through the motions.

 

It doesn’t take them long to end up in his bedroom after their first kiss. Tugging on each other’s clothes to feel bare skin beneath their fingers they stumble to the bed. Lena’s already undressed to her underwear and her fingers are nervously working on the button of his jeans. She’d thought it would get easier, less scary and overwhelming. It only seems to get worse and even though there’s plenty of alcohol coursing through her body, she feels like she needs more.

She distracts herself by giving up on the button, pulling him in for a deep kiss and tries to keep her hands from shaking by pressing them against his bare back. She guides him with her to the bed, lying down on it with him leaning over her. Again, she attempts to unfasten his trousers but her fingers are uncooperative, stiff and cold from lack of blood for some reason.

He catches her hands in his and drags them away from his nether region up to his mouth and places a gentle kiss on her fingers. Lena had tried to avoid looking in his eyes to make it more bearable but now she can’t make herself look away any longer. His eyes are questioning and slightly concerned. She tries to tell him it’s okay, she wants this, by grinding her hips up against his but he doesn’t move. He just keeps staring at her.

“Are you sure about this?” he asks suddenly, catching her by surprise. His rough fingers brush over her smaller ones in a comforting gesture and she feels safe enough to doubt again. She scolds herself for it and pushes the thoughts away.

“Yes, I’m sure.” She sighs and pushes his hands away a little so she can lift herself up to press a kiss to his collar bone. Her body leans more and more into his, seeking every connection it can get.

“Stop,” he insists the moment their lips disconnect.

Lena complies with a heavy sigh and lets herself fall back against the mattress.

“I’m not going to do this if you don’t want to,” he tells her, sitting on down on the bed beside her.

“I want to. I do, I do.” Maybe it’s the repetition, maybe it’s something in her eyes but he shakes his head.

“Why?” he asks, sounding at the same time demanding and fragile. It’s an odd combination.

“Can’t you set gay girls straight?” Lena candidly answers after a moment of contemplation.

“Are you gay?” He crosses his legs and looks at her.

“No,” she states, sure of it. She might be bi but she’s not gay.

“You know ‘setting gay girls straight’ isn’t actually a thing, right?” He still looks at her with this off look in his eyes. Something almost close to sympathy.

She sits up and looks at him wide-eyed.

“It’s a joke my friends like to make but if a girl is gay, she’s gay and there’s no setting her straight. It’s okay to be gay, Lena.” The compassion in his eyes is almost overwhelming.

“I’m not,” she declares again, “so it’s okay to have sex with me.”

Defiantly she crawls over to him and tries to push him down to the bed, her hands planted firmly on his shoulders. He doesn’t budge and shakes his head again, closing his eyes briefly before gently taking her wrists and moving her off his lap.

“I’m sorry but I won’t do it. I like a girl who consents in the right state of mind.”

“I’m not crazy!” she bites back at him.

“No,” he agrees, “but you’re crying and I don’t believe you really want this. Even if you’re not gay.” A single finger of his reaches up and proves his earlier statement to her when it comes back wet with tears.

“I do! I do, I do, I do!” Lena chants but he doesn’t listen anymore, instead getting up and throwing her her clothes and one of his jackets. Lena becomes desperate and jumps up from the bed, prying off the last bits of her clothes as she tries to look good while walking over to him.

“Please, Maxie,” she drawls, and if she were to look back at herself this moment she would hate herself for it, for her begging and her tone and her desperation. “Please fuck me. I know you want to. I know I want to. Please.”

The tears she can feel betraying her frantic last attempt keep a steady flow down her cheeks and when he turns away and leaves the room without another word her anger bubbles up.

“Fuck you, Maxwell Lord! Fuck you and your entire family! I hate you! You’re a dick.”

She doesn’t bother dressing up nicely again and grabs enough clothing to cover herself and keep out the cold before she storms out of the building.

Only when she’s outside does the situation catch up with her. At least she’d thought to take her purse out with her and with unsteady hands she slips out her phone. Hardly realising what she’s doing she brings up Kara’s chat and presses on the small phone icon in the corner, tucking her phone against her ear as it rings.

Three rings later she regrets what she’s doing. They’ve never called and she shouldn’t bother Kara with her own mistakes. But before she can draw the phone away from her ear a sweet voice drifts through it.

“ _Kara,”_ is all it says at first. Until Lena doesn’t answer and it continues, “ _Lena? You called? Are you there, is everything okay?”_

Lena bites back a sob before she replies.

“Kara?” Her voice nearly breaks on the name as she tries to distance herself from Maxwell’s building as fast as she can manage on her heels.  

“ _Are you okay? What happened?"_  In the background, fabric rustles and a door creaks followed by soft footsteps, presumably from Kara moving to another room.

“I don’t know,” Lena admits, “I’m just- Kara, I’m so mad. Why wouldn’t he- why didn’t-” She bites back another sob, hugging the jacket a little tighter around her rapidly cooling body. The air so frigid even her anger can’t keep it out.

“ _Breathe, Lena,_ ” Kara calmly tells her. “ _Breathe and tell me what happened._ ”

Lena takes a ragged breath and tries again.

“He didn’t want- he rejected me!” she exclaims frustratedly. “He rejected me and threw me out.”

“ _Oh no! Lena that sounds horrible. Do you have a place to go?_ ”

“Yes. I’m heading home now.” Lena’s voice is a little more steady but she’s still fighting off sobs and shaking with pent up energy.

“ _Good, good_.” Kara is the voice of calm Lena can’t muster up herself. “ _Why did he throw you out?_ ”

“He didn’t want to- God this sounds so stupid now,” Lena rambles.

“ _It’s not stupid, Lena. Not if it makes you feel this strongly_ ,” Kara reassures her.

“Ugh.” Lena rudely brushes some tears from her cheek, taking with them part of her mascara. “He didn’t want me. He said I didn’t want to but I did, Kara. I did. But then, I don’t know, I think maybe something didn’t and he pushed me away and told me to go home.”

“ _Do you have to walk there all alone? It’s really late for you,_ ” Kara asks concernedly.

Lena had never even considered someone would worry about her walking alone in the dark. She was never allowed to do so back home but it was never out of love or worry. Lena not being allowed outside alone at night was only to save face. To keep the Luthor name untainted and Lena eligible for any suitors.

“I’m almost there,” she therefore replies instead, swiftly entering the building when she does so and heading up to her own room to sink down against the door as soon as it closes behind her. The cold has crept deep down to her bones and she shivers involuntarily. At least inside it’s warmer and her body will get to the right temperature in no time.

“ _Is there something I can do? Do you want to talk about it?_ ” Kara asks and Lena only just now realizes she’s probably disturbed her friend’s night completely. She hadn’t even thought of it when she called but now a wave of guilt washes over her.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called,” she says and moves the phone away from her ear but before she can find the red button to hang up she hears her name shouted through.

“Yes?” she asks, phone back at her ear.

“ _You don’t have to say sorry for that. We’re friends, right? You can call me if you want. Day and night. Though I might not answer at night. Alex says I sleep like a log and even a canon by my ear couldn’t wake me. But you’re always free to call me. You’re my friend, it’s the least I can do when I can’t be there with you.”_ Kara almost sounds the same as she does over text. Though a little less coherent and slightly more rambly – which is an achievement since Lena’s never thought someone could ramble like Kara does over text.

“Oh.” Even after they’ve been friends for so long it still surprises Lena Kara is so easy with this. Friendship comes so easy to the girl. It’s a marvel. To Lena at least.

“ _Now, is there anything I can do despite not being there for a hug, because you sound like you could use a hug. So you’re getting an imaginary one, okay?”_ It’s as if Kara has some sort of super power because Lena feels a little less bad now. Still equally frustrated and a sliver of confusion is making its way inside her mind to replace the anger, but it’s not as overwhelming anymore.

“Can you maybe tell me a pun?” Lena asks instead of talking about it. She’s not sure she’s ready for that yet. Not ready for what it means, that she was crying and that Max told her he wouldn’t sleep with her because of it – because he assumed she was gay.

“ _Sure! I’ve got a theme today,”_ Kara informs her, “ _What do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti?_ ”

“Err, I don’t know,” Lena says.

“ _A pasta-tute,”_ Kara says with a giggle. A cute giggle. The best giggle Lena’s ever heard and it is bad. It’s very bad. Lena has to stop this because she’s not into girls and she’s not ready for this girl, who lives several thousand miles away at the moment, to take over her heart and make her unable to be set straight. That’s her main goal. Getting set straight. She has to find someone to set her straight.

Despite her inner turmoil she can’t help join Kara’s laughter. One pun turns into two, turn into three and before she knows it she’s nearly ignored her own agreement. When she does realise however, she quickly comes up with the excuse of being tired – not a completely lie anyway – and ends her call with Kara.

She doesn’t sleep much. Her head is spinning and she’s not ready to accept her newfound truths because they’re not true. They aren’t. Really. They can’t be. It takes a long time of staring at her window, curtains still open because she didn’t want to get up and close them, before the sparsely glittering stars and small sliver of moon make way for the first beams of sunlight in the early morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com), for anyone interested in talking to me. Please do so


	7. What's the worst about throwing a party in space?

Life is rough. It’s as if every insecurity of her comes bubbling up, taking an unrelating grip on her mind and refusing to let go. Feelings of worthlessness, of being a disappointment and of being not good enough.

Despite knowing it isn’t true, she feels disgusting for liking girls. She hates herself for, again, failing to fill the large empty shoes she’s expected to walk in. Why can’t she, just for once, be normal? Why does she have to be such a failure? No wonder Lillian hates her, she’s a complete let-down of a daughter.

She’s adrift again. A piece of her left behind on the coast, leaving her empty and longing for easier days. Small waves ripple across the surface, rocking her already unsteady state. Every new wave nearly sending her tumbling. It takes her everything to hold on and not go under.

Academically, she still excels – though maybe more by intuition and falling back on her natural instinct to learn than on the effort she puts in. In every other aspect of her life she barely manages. She hasn’t started, let alone written, a new article and that will surely be another reason for Lillian to berate her.

Lena isolates herself, locking her room and collapsing the second she’s done so. Avoiding any and all social contact. She never had much but she would greet people in her class, the library or the hallway. Now, she keeps her head down, tries to smile enough to not seem like something’s wrong to avoid having people she barely knows talk to her.

She finally sleeps more. She’s too tired to stay awake, sleeping day and night if she gets the opportunity. One day eating twice her weight in candy to – unsuccessfully – fill the void she feels, the other forgetting completely to even do so much as drink a glass of water. The skin of her back and thighs is littered with tiny marks from scratching at any imperfections.

There’s no social safety net in place for her. No one notices her spiralling and Lena doesn’t want anyone to either. She hardly knows her classmates and meticulously hides any clues. She goes through the routine of life, showing up to class when she’s expected and jumps through the necessary hoops to keep up her charade.

The only person she really talks to – aside from the occasional text with Lex about any neutral topic – is Kara. She knows Kara sees right through her. It’s hard to keep everything inside and Kara is so nice and asking her for honesty that sometimes Lena slips up. Kara doesn’t know everything though, only getting snippets of Lena’s life and never the full picture. With the distance between them and not actually knowing who Lena exactly is, there’s little she can do except assure Lena time and again she’s there for her and tell her to get some help.

Lena ignores it. She doesn’t need other people knowing about her. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Locking everything away in a little box seems best. She’ll deal with it when there’s absolutely no other option.

Her achievements go from publishing in high-ranking scientific magazines to getting out of bed – somewhere in the afternoon if she doesn’t have classes – and she doesn’t even manage that some days. More than anything she longs for someone, for some reassurance from anyone other than a digital string of words or a phone call with an intangible being. She yearns for some encouragement. Someone supporting her. An arm around her shoulders. A warm embrace. A loving gesture.

There’s no way she’s getting any of it though. So, every day she fights and gets up and goes through the motions, trying to keep her conversations with Kara vague enough, superficial enough she doesn’t worry the other girl. She’s not planning to do anything to herself so really there’s nothing to worry about.

Kara tells her to talk to her, to reach out if she needs it but Lena doesn’t know how. Whenever she’s doing worse than other times, she doesn’t want to bother Kara. Doesn’t want to ruin the other girl’s day by being a negative influence. Wants Kara to enjoy herself where she can’t.

Lillian’s ‘loving’ upbringing makes her too scared of rejection and seeming weak to do something other than put her one foot in front of the other. It’s only a little while until winter break. Not that it would give her solace, she’d be expected home, but maybe having some sort of rhythm and three balanced meals a day will help. As long as she keeps conversation away from anything controversial.

 

There’s not a lot that can brighten Lena’s gloomy days but she can’t help smile softly when her phone lights up with Kara’s name. She takes one deep breath and blows it out with force, sending all her bad thoughts with it. For now. She wants to be cheery for Kara and not make Kara worry about her more.

“Kara,” she says with a smile clear in her voice, though not entirely genuine.

 _“Lena! How are you?”_ Kara asks enthusiastically, ever the happy college girl.

“I’m okay,” Lena lies, though she counts not saying she’s doing great as a win already. “How are you?”

 _“I’m great. I broke my personal record this morning and then I had pancakes for lunch!”_ Lena is always amazed at how easy it is to please Kara. How easy the other girl gets happy from simple things, like dogs and food and… exercise, something that baffles Lena endlessly. _“Are you sure you’re okay, though? You sound a little off.”_

“I’m- I guess- I don’t know. Could be worse,” Lena says with a lopsided smile. She has a habit of downplaying herself, her achievements, her wellbeing. “Kara, how do I know I’m really a girl? What if I’m not a girl?”

She hadn’t even realised this was a new worry of hers. It makes sense though. She can’t be gay. She can’t. So maybe she’s not a girl. If she’s a boy it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to girls. On the other hand, she can’t be a boy either. It’s a never-ending dilemma without a proper solution.

 _“You think you’re maybe not a girl?”_ Kara asks without any hint of judgement in her voice and it makes Lena open up more than she would like.

“No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” Her hand cards through her hair in frustration. She really doesn’t know who she is anymore.  

 _“You should talk to my cousin!”_ Kara enthusiastically offers, _“he’s trans but was assigned female at birth so he knows exactly what you’re going through. Clark will definitely want to help.”_

“Oh, no, thank you though, Kara,” Lena scrambles. “I don’t really think I’m not a girl I guess. I’m just… a little confused is all. But thanks for the offer anyway. I bet Clark is an awesome guy and if I do want some help with it, I’ll ask okay?”

_“Sure! I’m always here to help. Don’t hesitate and I know Clark is as passionate about it as I am so don’t worry about bothering him because he loves talking about it and educating other people, helping them find themselves.”_

“Thanks,” Lena repeats, once again at a loss for words.

_“How about we talk about something more fun? I saw the cutest dog yesterday and Maggie told me a space pun which I know you’ll like.”_

“Please.”

Kara doesn’t need more to set off in a ramble, _“the dog was super tiny but he kept trying to jump on a bench and it was so adorable. I can’t wait until I can get a dog but it would be unfair for them if they had to live in my crappy dorm room. Do you like space? I figured you would, you like everything science-y I asked you so I just assumed. If you don’t like space just interrupt me anytime but this pun is good, you don’t want to miss it. Ready? What’s the worst about throwing a party in space?”_

“There’s no gravity?” Lena tries, earning a warm laugh from Kara.

 _“No, you’ve got to planet. Get it, planet, plan it.”_ Kara can barely form words from laughing at her own joke and it’s contagious, setting Lena off too. It’s her first laugh in a while and that one had been caused by Kara too. Kara, Lena realises, is really the only light in her life right now and it’s rather concerning she depends so much on someone she’s never met.

Kara keeps on talking to Lena, telling her about her week, her classes and anything and nothing that comes up as she rambles. Lena politely offers some words here and there, content to listen to Kara happily recount how someone tripped and spilled an entire tray of spaghetti on themselves.

Lena’s phone buzzes to announce an incoming email and she moves to her desk to read it at her computer, Kara still talking in her ear through her phone.

With a muttered, “oh shit,” Lena nearly drops her phone when she sees who the sender is. Her hand wavers over the mouse for a moment as she contemplates whether she wants to read it right now or postpone the inevitable. An email from her mother can never mean anything good. Suddenly the idea of having to go back to Metropolis isn’t a good one at all anymore. There was a reason she went to study abroad. Fled the country, basically. She does not want to go back. Not even for two weeks during the holidays.

 _“Lena, are you okay?”_ Kara asks her, drawing Lena momentarily away from her spiralling thoughts.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Lena replies quickly. Worrying Kara even more is the last thing she wants right now. Even if she might not be very successful and it’s like Kara can hear her racing heart.

_“What happened?”_

“It’s only an email,” Lena shares, “from my mother.”

 _“Oh,”_ Kara sighs. Lena might have told her some snippets about her relationship with her mother so Kara knows too news from Lillian Luthor does not promise anything good for Lena. Even if the news is expected.

“Yeah,” Lena breathes before steeling herself and clicking the message. The email itself is only three sentences long but has all the more impact.  

_“Lena, your flight to Metropolis leaves the 22nd at 11.25 am. Henry will pick you up from the airport. I expect you to arrive sober this time.”_

It’s like any message from Lillian. Short, to the point and no pleasantries. It’s already exceptional Lena’s name is even mentioned in way of greeting. She deflates slightly at the prospect of having to fly sober. She hates flying, no matter it being the safest mode of travel. She can’t get herself to not hate it, or fear it slightly. If she drinks only a limited amount at departure she has plenty of time to sober up though, the flight to Metropolis being around twelve hours. Lillian would be none the wiser as long as she _arrives_ sober. There’s no mention of leaving sober.

 _“You okay?”_ Kara asks again, startling Lena slightly. She’d forgotten she was on the phone.

“Yeah, just a message when my plane is leaving.” Lena sighs deeply. She has no idea how to pull off being fine in front of Lillian’s scrutinising eyes. How to feign having enough energy to last a day. She can’t seem weak, she’s already got enough flaws not to add another one. Not to mention the ‘probably not straight’ one.

 _“You’re going back to the US?”_ Kara asks elatedly. _“Maybe we can meet?”_

“I’d love to, Kara,” Lena says wearily, “but I don’t think I can. You’re on the other side of the country and I’ll have my family’s eyes on me at all times. I can’t just leave for a few days to sneak out. And I can’t sneak someone in either,” she adds when Kara takes an audible breath to interrupt her. “I’m sorry.”

_“It’s okay, your family isn’t like mine. We can meet another time.”_

“Another time, yes,” Lena mumbles, not really convinced it’ll ever be possible. Right now, it doesn’t feel like she’ll ever escape her family or her last name and the expectations tied to it. She’s a Luthor, she needs to achieve greatness – more preferably because she’s not a _real_ Luthor. Most of her future is already planned out for her. Her internships arranged long before she even started university, future positions negotiated to give her the best tools and experience to find herself in a high-ranking position in LuthorCorp. Before she’s twenty-five, if Lillian has a say in it. Just like Lex, who had taken over the company from their late father at twenty-four.

“I don’t like flying,” Lena finds herself admitting softly to Kara as she shuts down her computer and collapses on her bed, her free arm first tearing off her glasses before falling over her eyes.

 _“Flying is one of the safest modes of transportation,”_ Kara tells her with a hint of amusement.

“I know,” Lena groans, “doesn’t mean I don’t hate it. I just hate the feeling of falling, I hate taking off and turbulence and landing and taxiing and the engines roaring so loud you can’t sleep. Really, how do they expect to _enjoy_ flying?”

Kara snickers a little at the long list of complaints. _“You could also swim.”_

“Mean,” Lena deadpans, “you know I hate sports.” Kara’s comment does end put putting a small smile back on her face, even if only for a second.

 _“I know,”_ Kara laughs. _“I’ve never actually flown very far. Only for an hour or so for a vacation once. I watched a movie. Alex read a book. Eliza did a crossword and Jeremiah slept. He could fall asleep anywhere if he had the opportunity.”_ Kara sounds a little distant, as if the memory is physically taking her back to the plane. Kara hadn’t talked a lot about Jeremiah – Lena did piece out he was her adoptive father and he is no longer with them but how exactly, dead or runaway, she hasn’t figured out yet and doesn’t need to – and she sounds a little sad doing so.

“Thank you,” Lena says, not knowing what she should really say but wanting to help Kara shake the unpleasant feelings she must be experiencing as she remembers him. “I’ll bring a good book.”

 _“And some good headphones. If you put on some music you can sing along with, even only in your head, it’s a great distraction!”_ Kara suggests, seemingly having shaken the memory again.

They talk for another while, about what to do on an airplane but also discussing which candy is best – Lena pretends she knows about more types of candy than she actually does, the Luthor’s never allowed her to have much and Ireland has a widely different variation of candies than the US – and what they want for Christmas. Kara’s list is short; she wants supplies for a dog so she can get one the moment she has her own place away from campus, and some titbits that are useful for her, new towels and new sports socks. Lena doesn’t really have a list, it’s not like she would get anything from it if she did. She’ll probably end up getting extravagant jewellery and other items that have no personal importance or value, only monetary. She’s resigned herself with that fact a long time ago, having already found some meaningless expensive stuff to gift her mother and brother. A scarf from a high-end brand for her mother and new cufflinks and a tie for Lex.

They talk until Kara ends up sending Lena to bed because it’s insanely late for her. Not that Lena’s body actually sticks to a sleep schedule but she complies easily. She’s tired enough all the time to sleep, especially when it’s dark.

For the first time in a week she falls asleep without an incredibly heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. Worries briefly forgotten and replaced by images of happy puppies, Christmas trees and a family feeling she’s never experienced and a small sense of connection to the outside world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)


	8. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After updating last chapter I took another look at my tags and lol why did I ever tag this Teen and up? As of now, this story is explicit because of the heavy themes dealt with. I also added a food issues and body image issues tag because I'm not 100% sure how pronounced it's going to appear but it'll probably be mentioned and really already has started last chapter and I want everyone to be warned before they read something they regret.  
> Please tell me if I did forget to tag something import/triggering so I can add it to warn other readers because I might not be aware of stuff or miss things...

Christmas goes by in a blur of fancy dresses, parties she doesn’t want to be at, conversations with old board members of LuthorCorp she doesn’t want to talk to and a massive amount of pretending. There hasn’t been time to do much else and Lena feels like she can finally breathe on the last day of the year. There’s a New Year’s Eve party planned, of course, but that’s the last one she’ll have to attend and usually so busy Lillian and Lex might not notice if she sneaks off.

She’d been right on having some sort of rhythm back in her life making things easier but had also vastly underestimated how difficult it would be to deal with keeping conversations neutral. How harsh her mother’s disproving looks are, following her everywhere she goes. No matter what she wears and intensifying every time she tries to eat.

Her mother kindly pointed out she’d gained weight, Lillian’s way of saying welcome home, and gave her a rundown of the schedule. Lena regretted listening to her and arriving sober because it would have been a lot more bearable if she had the edge taken off. But she’s always eager to please, even if she knows she can’t. It’s a flaw of hers. One she can’t help no matter what she does.

Lex had been kinder, asking her about Ireland and sharing his own anecdotes and stories of his work and everything Lena missed in Metropolis. Safe topics. In their free time they dive into the attic like the old days, making inventions and playing chess until they’re being called down by a servant to get ready for the next meal or party.

She helps Lex with a new device he’s stuck on. A trigger plate that activates a second connected device. For now, they’re using a lamp. It could give LuthorCorp a new edge on the global market. Connections to any kind of device could be possible. And Lex is stuck. He can’t get it working. Lena needs only a brief look, some smart Google searches – really the trigger plate looks a lot like certain types of mines so she uses it to her advantage and borrows some knowledge – and rewiring later and the trigger plate is nearly done. All that’s left to do for Lex is calibrate it and determine at what weight to make it set off.

It all feels almost normal again. Almost. Lex is different, somehow, and Lena doesn’t feel like she fits in this normal anymore. The normal she never very much appreciated and now downright dislikes. The normal where she has to avoid being herself, talk about topics that are important to her, share her struggles and her worries. She’s never been allowed to be herself but now she’s more aware of it than ever.

 

She hasn’t talked to Kara much, courtesy of her being dragged from celebration to celebration. However, they did manage to text. The smaller time difference aiding them in that as they’re awake at the same time more often. From her text messages, Lena concludes Kara is having a great time with her family celebrating Christmas. She’s sent several photos of the gift she’s gotten and of the food. Lena had returned the gesture with a few pictures of the less decadent stuff she’d received herself, very much self-conscious about the price of most of them and that not a lot of people could afford it.

Kara’s gifts were modest and personal, things she actually mentioned wanting. A pair of brightly coloured sports socks, a hamburger chew toy which seemed to be given to her with a side wink due to Kara’s love for fast food, a necklace with a running shoe pendant, a set of towels decorated with small paw prints and a new ornament for their Christmas tree. Kara explained she and Alex got one each year. This year they’d both gotten an animal, Kara a dog, for obvious reasons, and Alex a lion.

Lena catches herself feeling rather envious of Kara. She knows Kara’s adoptive mother has to work hard to be able to afford to put her daughters through college but everything she’s heard from Kara about her family exudes love, something Lena lacks entirely in her own. Not for the first time Lena realises the world is an unfair place. She’s one of the very few lucky ones that has the luxury of not needing one or several jobs to put herself through university. Not needing a grant to afford it, even if she would probably have been able to get in on an academic one if she didn’t come from a family worth nearly more than her country.

While there’s plenty of money in her family, it’s lacking in nearly everything else, which shows in the gifts Lena’s received for Christmas. A set of diamond earrings, a pearl necklace, a cashmere sweater, a book on healthy meals and a bundle of articles for her to read. Where Lex used to slip her a more personal gift when they were little, there’s now nothing. Hasn’t been for several years and Lena has given up on returning the gesture too. Years ago, she’d have gotten a nice book or a bag of candies Lillian didn’t approve of. Lex’s takeover of the business has clearly rubbed off on him, and not in the good way.

With a deep sigh, Lena zips up her dress for the New Year’s Eve ball her brother is hosting. Her mother picked this one for her and it’s a little on the tight side. A deep crimson that makes her feel almost like a female crime lord, reminding her of blood. The delicate lace adding a little texture to the otherwise bare dress and the length of it resigning her to wearing her highest heels to prevent the bottom from trailing over the ground. Exactly what Lillian would have wanted probably. Lena’s height was another issue, never even having her reach her mother’s shoulders without heels.

 

The party is dull. The rooms are stifling and Lillian’s eyes never leave Lena’s back for long. She’s expertly steered from conversation to conversation, telling investors and board members about her studies and her plans for the future – or rather, her mother’s plans for her future. They all listen intently as she talks, trying to find a flaw or oversight in her plans. When they can’t find one, some move away to talk to someone else satisfied Lena will end up at LuthorCorp in a proper position, bringing the company to new heights, some others invite her for a dance and try to pry for information in her personal life. This isn’t Lena’s first rodeo and she expertly answers their questions without really answering, never delving into anything private too much, only providing half-answers and sophisms.

She glides through the room, twisting and turning in the hands of man after man as the night progresses. There’s not a moment of reprieve, her mother carefully watching her every step and sending a new person her way as soon as it seems the last one is about done talking to or dancing with her.

She’s tired and done with smelling pungent cologne long before midnight. Under pretence of a bathroom break she talks her way out of the room and sneaks out the back door as soon as Lillian’s gaze is diverted for a moment. The air bites at her exposed skin but the breeze, though cold, is welcomingly refreshing. It takes with it all the touches laid on her without her consent and fills her lunges with air that doesn’t reek of musky sweat.

It’s there she finally manages to have another – brief – call with Kara.

_“Hey!”_ Kara greets over footsteps pounding on stairs.

“Hey Kara,” Lena says with a genuine smile. “How’s your New Year’s Eve?”

_“It’s good! I just won a round of monopoly and Alex got really pissed because she’s used to winning so, you know, I’m always happy to annoy her.”_ Kara’s laugh rings through the phone and Lena can’t help but smile wider. _“We’re going to play another few games and maybe watch a movie and then count down together and go to a firework show in town square. How’s your night?”_

“It’s okay,” Lena lies, realising that’s a newfound habit of her she should really shake. Kara’s become her best friend and she shouldn’t lie to her best friend. “There’s a party at our place which is pretty dull but it could be worse. Your night sounds a lot better though.” A lot of thing Kara does, especially family events, sound better than anything Lena does. She has no right envying Kara because the grass is always greener on the other side but she can’t help dream about what it would be like if her family were a little more like Kara’s. A little more accepting of others and a little more involved, more loving.

_“I wouldn’t say no to a nice party,”_ Kara says in an attempt to cheer her up.

“It’s not that kind of party, Kara,” Lena laughs. If it were, she wouldn’t be this sober, having only been able to sneak two glasses of champagne.

_“Too bad. Hey, it could probably always be worse, right?”_

“Right,” Lena agrees, hoping she didn’t just jinx it.

_“Want to hear another pun? It’s in theme.”_

“Do you still have to ask?”

_“What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?”_

“What happened?”

_“He gave up thinking.”_

Lena laughs freely at the joke. Even if the pun isn’t the best, she clamps onto every opportunity to laugh nowadays, needing it more than ever and Kara giving them so freely and never judging her for laughing. Soon enough, Kara joins her too with her own laughter.

_“When are you going back to Ireland?”_ Kara asks her as soon as they’ve both gotten their breath back.

“In three days.”

_“And you’re staying until summer break then?”_

“Yes.” Lena slowly weaves her way through flower patches, keeping an eye on the mansion just in case.

_“And then you’re back in the US for good?”_ Kara sounds hopeful, as if them meeting might actually ever happen.

“I don’t know. I think so but maybe I find a job somewhere else.” It’s an idle belief. She’s never going to get a job outside of LuthorCorp or its business associates. Her path already clear from the day she was adopted and no deviation possible. Studying abroad is already something unplanned and she can’t get away with more.

They talk for a few more minutes until Lena feels like she’s really stretching her disappearance. Soon enough Lillian will send someone to look for her and she knows she’ll already be berated for slipping away but if she’s gone for so long Lillian needs to send someone to bring her back she’s really in for it. They wish each other a happy new year and hang up.

Lena sneaks back inside and, though Lillian does raise a reprimanding eyebrow at her, she gets away with it pretty well. The rest of the night she tries to drink as much as she can manage without Lillian finding out and an hour after midnight she retreats to her bedroom. It might be way too early but she doesn’t think she could manage another minute in the stuffy room with too many people.

 

Her last meal with her family the day before she flies back to Ireland is… memorable, to say the least. She’s just returned from visiting her father’s grave. It’s a place she feels more like herself than inside the house because she can talk freely and even though no one talks back she feels more heard than when talking to her mother or Lex even.

She tries to keep her down while they eat but she can’t help pick up on Lillian and Lex’s conversation when she hears an unexpected familiar name.

“Remember Clark Kent,” Lex says, sounding patronising even though Clark supposedly is his best friend.

“I do,” Lillian answers.

“Turns out it’s a woman pretending to be a man.”

Lena tries not to show her interest in the conversation, specifically her disagreement. She can’t help but think back to Kara texting her earlier that week about her cousin getting fired because his boss found out he was trans. She gets an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach as she realises Kara and Lex might have been talking about the same man.

Lillian scoffs and opens her mouth to offer her opinion but Lex beats her to it, “I fired her. Can’t have people like that work for me. Heard she’s going to start a rally against LuthorCorp too and I’d like to see her try. Crazy people. Don’t worry, mother, I will make sure LuthorCorp will be fine and people like that are getting the help they need. They’re just sick, her and all those people agreeing with her.” Lex sounds so convinced of his own right, of his own world view.

Lena’s skin starts crawling with the fact that this is the brother that so gracefully welcomed her in the family. The brother who helped her learn chess, taught her how to build a robot and the first basics of programming. The brother who was at all her graduation ceremonies and science fairs when their parents couldn’t make it. Not only does she not feel like a part of this family, she feels like she’s been living a lie all along. How could she not have realised she was being fed lies and twisted truths? Her world built upon a rotten foundation.

She feels sick. Fighting to keep from actually vomiting, she manages to make it to the end of the meal, quickly making an exit as soon as they’re all done eating. Somehow, she manages to reach her own bathroom before dinner comes back up.

She doesn’t talk to Kara anymore that night. Not on the phone nor through text, only sending her a short goodnight before putting her phone off and collapsing on the bed. Tomorrow she’s going back to Ireland. It’s her new mantra, playing in her head on repeat until she’s dragged down by sleep.

_Tomorrow she’s going back to Ireland. Tomorrow she’s going back to Ireland. Tomorrow she’s going back to Ireland. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)


	9. How much room does a fungus need to grow?

By the time her plane lands in Dublin, Lena’s beyond drunk. It’s a miracle she manages to retrieve her luggage and find a cab to take her to her room. The next day, she doesn’t even remember how she did it without getting all her valuables stolen. She doesn’t remember much of the whole day, only the relief she felt when she set foot on Irish ground. Family left behind, control slightly loosened and head light.

She wakes up the next morning with a fierce headache. Stomach rolling, she turns back around and burrows her face further in her pillow.

No more than ten minutes later she’s knelt in front of the toilet, stomach having betrayed her and forcing her to leave the warm comfort of her bed. She heaves and tries to swallow the burning feeling again but it’s futile. Hot biting liquid works its way up and there’s nothing she can do except hold her hair back and give in. Letting her body work the poison out of her, she hopes she’ll feel better after.

The cold floor is a relief to her heated skin and she lowers her body down on it, laying eagle-spread and staring at the ceiling. She drifts in and out of consciousness as her body slowly recovers from her hangover. At one point she somehow manages to make her way back to her bed armed with a bottle of water and a handful of painkillers.

It takes her a full day to feel half decent again. Classes start up again and she’s soon forgetting – or maybe repressing – her trip and trying to focus the bits of energy she does have on studying.

She still talks to Kara regularly. Most of it through texts now the time difference is a lot bigger again, but they do talk. Lena tries both to open up to Kara and talk about stuff – because that seems to be something that’s advised to deal with issues – and also not share too much and worry Kara.

 

_“Good morning! How’s your day?”_ Kara asks on another bleak afternoon. It’s the same message every day. Maybe the words are a little different but the intention doesn’t change.

“Morning. Today’s been okay. How was your night?” Lena always asks in return. As with Kara’s messages, the words vary but it’s always some form of saying she’s fine – she can’t very well tell Kara she’s not okay because then she’d probably have to explain or talk about it – and always an inquiry as to Kara’s night, or her sleep or dreams.

Lena’s learnt that asking Kara about her night distracts Kara enough to not have her ask what Lena has been doing during her day. She wouldn’t be able to answer that question with a satisfying answer if she tried. There’s only so many times one can do nothing and get away with having a relaxing day before making alarm bells go off.

_“My night was good. Had a super weird dream, though. My sister was chasing me with a stuffed animal and I didn’t even know why.”_

“Sounds intense but at least it wasn’t a sword.”

_“Somehow that would have been less scary._ ”

_“How’s it being back in Ireland? Have you made any friends already?”_

“Ireland is fine. Better than back home.”

Lena avoids saying she has certainly not made any friends. Her social life is limited to messaging Kara and exchanging a few words with the grocery store employee on campus. Which probably doesn’t even count but is really the only time she gets to use her voice outside of her rare calls with Kara or when she talks to herself.

 

Kara is Lena’s only tether to reality. Kara and the classes she skips more often than not nowadays.

Kara is the only one who seems remotely interested in her and if she were to slip and fall in her shower and hit her head, it would probably be Kara who realised something had happened. Not her family - they’d notice when she wouldn’t show up during summer break - nor her teachers or classmates - not many know of her existence in the first place and since she’s skipping class so much no one would notice.

Not to say that it’s likely she’d slip and fall in the shower. She’s an adolescent. Slipping and falling in the shower is more common for older people.

No, if she were to die it would probably not be like that. Though, if she’s honest, it doesn’t really sound that bad.

She catches herself thinking like that more and more lately. Not actively wanting to die but not minding at all if it somehow were to happen. She doesn’t have much to live for anyway. Not that she would take any action to instigate her death. It’s just that she wouldn’t much mind if it were to somehow happen.

 

Another notification on her phone draws Lena from her brooding thoughts.

_“You can’t do everything alone, Lena_ ” it reads.

“I’ll have to and it’s going just fine. I don’t need other people.” Lena types back, putting a little too much force behind each tap on her phone screen.

_“No one can do everything alone. I don’t believe that.”_

“Then don’t but stop bothering me with it.” Lena replies, now fully angered. With a grunt she flings her phone across the room, making it land on the covers of her bed with a soft thud.

A restless hand finds her hair, carding through it before it drags down her cheek. She regrets being so mean to Kara. She shouldn’t have said that but she doesn’t want to admit Kara might be right because she doesn’t feel like she has any other option than doing everything alone.

Before the guilt can start to really eat her and the single tear escaping the corner of her eye can evolve into a full-on breakdown, she rushes through her room and unlocks her phone. Without much real awareness, she presses the call button in the chat screen, hoping to get a hold of Kara so she can actually talk to her. She’s realised phone calls do work better for getting messages across when there’s subtext involved. Smileys and plain text can only go so far and, though face-to-face would be ideal, this is her best bet.

She really can’t lose her only friend. She can’t. _She can’t._

Lena stops her mental chanting when her call comes through.

“ _Yes?”_ Kara answers with a clipped voice.

“I’m sorry. Please, don’t hate me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that but I don’t- I’m so sorry, Kara.” Lena sinks down on the bed, desperately trying to keep Kara from giving up on her.

Kara stays silent for a brief moment before audibly breathing out and saying, _“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”_

“No. No, no, no. You shouldn’t just forgive me like that. I don’t deserve that, Kara. You can’t let people walk over you like that. You should tell me I was rude and mean and ungrateful and I have to prove myself worthy of your attention and time again. You got to stick up for yourself. I’m not worth getting hurt over.”

_“Lena, it’s fine. You apologised, you said you don’t mean it. I trust you and you’re totally worthy of forgiveness. You just lashed out because I wasn’t being really nice either so I’m sorry for that. I won’t push you again. I’m sorry I did it in the first place. Are you okay?”_

Lena has silent tears cascading down her cheeks but with a gruff move she wipes them away. She clears her throat to get rid of the lump residing there before replying, “I’m okay.”

She wants to say more but she doesn’t know what. Kara has told her before she shouldn’t talk down on herself so much but the only things she can think of to say are all discounting herself. Rightfully so. This was her mistake and hers alone so of course she’s going to berate herself for it. But she’ll do so silently.

_“Friends?”_ Kara asks hopefully.

“Friends.”

_“Good because I have a nice pun and I think it kinda might be about right now. About you._ ”

The corners of Lena’s lips move up slightly at the prospect of hearing another one of Kara’s puns.

_“And if you don’t like it, I also have some cute dog videos and pictures.”_

“Let me hear the pun, Kara,” Lena says lightly before leaning back against the wall and relaxing a bit.

_“Okay, here it comes. How much room does a fungus need to grow?”_

“Are you calling me a fungus, Potstickers?”

_“No! No! I just- I’m- I thought it fit because you’re also growing and I didn’t- no! Of course I didn’t call you a fungus. I just-”_

“It’s okay, Kara,” Lena quickly says to save her friend from rambling even further. “It was a joke.”

_“Oh.”_ Kara follows her surprised reaction with an awkward chuckle but doesn’t try to reassure Lena she’s not calling her a fungus again.

“Could you please tell me the punch line now, please?” Lena asks after a brief silence.

_“Yes, yes, I can. It needs as mush-room as possible.”_ Kara delivers it with a small laugh and Lena can’t find it anything but adorable. The smile at the joke – she doesn’t laugh out loud easily, especially not when alone – turns into a true giggle when Kara’s laughter gets a little louder and freer upon realising Lena didn’t hate the joke.

 

They talk a while longer. Kara tells Lena about her day, the current dorm gossip and reminds Lena to eat – a necessary reminder because Lena had forgotten to eat anything at all today so she quickly grabs herself a protein bar from her desk drawer. She also tells Lena about her cousin. Lena’s heard enough about him to be slightly invested in his life and wellbeing, especially because he might have been working for LuthorCorp and gotten fired by Lex.

Kara tells her he’s doing good, though, and she silently thanks some higher being she doesn’t usually believe in for taking care of him. He’s found a new job and his girlfriend is still with him. Kara hadn’t expected any different, she’s convinced they’ll be getting married in the next few years. She also tells Lena Clark is heading a rally in a few weeks’ time. It’s a pride rally for equal rights on the work floor. Lena wishes she could go – not that she’d dare to show her face at an event like that right now, even if she were in the area, she couldn’t risk her family finding out – and Kara shares her desire to attend but she’s swamped with homework and will have to watch on the tv.

Lena tells Kara about the test she passed, earning her the last credits she needed to be able to graduate. She doesn’t want to graduate just yet though, opting to take more courses for extra credit so she can stay in Ireland a little longer.

She tells Kara about the invention she helped Lex with back in Metropolis and how he let her know he’s finished the last bits and pieces and is nearly done testing. Though talking about Lex and Metropolis give her a slightly unpleasant feeling in the pit of her stomach, she can’t help feel a little proud at being able to help her big brother with an invention he wasn’t able to make functional.

The day of Clark’s rally arrives and Lena finds herself stuck in the lab. One of her courses has mandatory practical work she has to attend – a blessing in disguise because it forces Lena to go out once a week and interact with people and actually _do_ something – even though she’d much rather be watching the rally on television.

It’s exactly for that reason she doesn’t know what happened until the practical is finished and she’s retrieved her bag from the locker, finally having time to spare a glance at her phone. It’s blown up with notifications. There are multiple messages from Kara, one from Lex and one from the news app she keeps forgetting to delete.

She starts with Lex’s because it’s a single message and easily read and dealt with.

_“Thanks for the help, sis. Tests went great, only a few tweaks necessary”_ it reads. She quickly shoots a, “Thank you” back as she shrugs on her coat. She decides to just ignore the news notification without looking, she’s tired and if it’s important she’ll hear it sooner or later anyway.

Kara has sent a bunch of texts all sent at different times, starting with Kara’s morning where she wishes Lena a good morning and asks her how her day is going. Lena reads further and can practically feel Kara’s cheer.

_“Clark’s rally is starting! I’m watching, too bad you can’t.”_

_“I shouldn’t be watching. I know. Don’t judge me. Reading work is boring.”_

_“It’s so nice! I think every flag is represented.”_

_“These signs are really cool and I can’t even read them because my screen is too crappy. I just know they’re cool.”_

_“They’re approaching the stage now. I think Clark said they hired some local band and the mayor is supposed to speech or something. Maybe someone else. I can’t keep all those names apart.”_

There’s some time between that message and the next but Lena barely notices until after she reads it.

_“I don’t like hospitals, Lena.”_

_“I hate waiting.”_

_“Please be done soon with your lab thing. I could really use someone to talk to.”_

_“Clark’s out of the OR. He’s not awake and they don’t know yet if he’ll make it though.”_

The last message’s time stamp is from barely an hour ago. Lena immediately presses the call button and waits with baited breath for Kara to answer.


	10. Are you okay?

_“Lena?”_ Kara answers after several rings.

“Kara, are you okay?”

A soft sniffle betrays Kara is not doing too great and she seems unable to voice it, stumbling over syllables and words in an unintelligible stuttering.

“Hey, breathe, honey. Are you safe?” Lena asks with a soft and gentle voice. The unfamiliar pet name feels a little strange on her tongue but at the same time it feels very right for the circumstances.

“ _Yes,”_ Kara croaks.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

 _“Everything was- was fine you know. It was a- a peaceful protest and they were just marching. And then they entered the plaza and- and- they didn’t cut the feed off fast enough. There was so much smoke and chaos and screaming and-”_ Kara trails off, ending in more sniffles.

“You’re okay, Kara. Please sit down somewhere and don’t forget to breathe. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to or just can’t tell me.”

Lena arrives at her building and unlocks the door, speed walking to her own place so she can talk to Kara without anyone overhearing.

Kara takes a few audible, stuttering breaths before explaining exactly what she saw to Lena. _“They were walking through the- the streets and everything was super peaceful and nice. Some police to make sure no one misbehaved but nothing else. Then they walked up to the plaza and to enter they had to go over these mats and through a huge balloon bow but when the first few people were on the plaza suddenly- suddenly ev-everything went wrong.”_

“They- the bombs went off when they stepped over something?” Lena asks, her voice having become distant and breathless at the implication of Kara’s words.

_“Yes, I th-think so. I don’t know. One moment everything was okay and the next it was complete chaos. Oh, I think I see Alex. Are you-”_

“Go. Go to your sister. Hang in there.”

Kara doesn’t take more convincing and hangs up, to Lena’s relief. She’s not sure if she could offer any emotional support right now, especially not over the phone. The remaining silence leaves Lena brooding. She has to be sure. She has to know.

In a few quick motions she pulls up Lex’s contact information and calls him.

 _“Hey sis! Missed your big brother so much you couldn’t go without hearing his voice?”_ Lex answers enthusiastically.

“Lex,” Lena replies coolly.

_“Whoa, ice queen. Chill. Or should I say ‘hot’?”_

“Did you do it?” Lena asks, cutting to the chase. She’s in no mood for Lex’s games.

_“Do what?”_

“You know what I’m talking about. Did you bomb that rally?”

 _“Well, technically it wasn’t bombing and it wasn’t me-_ ”

She’s heard enough. With sharp and precise moves she hangs up her phone but instead of throwing it away or putting it down, she continues staring.

The feeling of her phone burns in her hand but she can’t make herself put the cursed thing down. At some point, her knees give in and she sinks down to the floor. She keeps looking at her phone. Staring without really seeing anything.

Did Lex really just imply mass murder? Does that mean she’s an accomplice? She did fix his device for him. The one he seems to have used for this evil.

Her eyes remain dry. She doesn’t know exactly why. She did just help her brother murder dozens of people and hurt even more. _Thirteen people died_ , a voice in her head tells her. Without realising, she probably read the news article her phone had notified her about earlier. Thirteen people died. Several more are in critical condition. And dozens upon dozens are hurt. Hundreds traumatised probably. _They didn’t cut off the feed quick enough_ , she remembers. _Kara saw people blow up. All the viewers saw people blow up._

She blinks several times, owlishly. Somehow she’s made it to her bed, sitting in the corner where the two walls meet. She’s not going to sleep tonight.

* * *

 

She’s back in the U.S. again. Several days have passed and her mother demanded her presence at the Luthor manor in these ‘tough times’ because Lex is being investigated. There was no room left for argument so Lena complied. She filed for graduation, seeing as she has enough credits already and really doesn’t feel like studying anymore. She’s probably not going to be allowed to go back to Ireland to finish her classes anyway. At least not until the entire investigation and possible trial are over and that could potentially take years.

Metropolis is so much worse than she remembered. The city is cold and it’s like there’s somehow more concrete and less nature even though hardly anything has actually changed. The people are more rushed. Keeping their head down and slightly more skittish. Though it’s extremely cold outside and people might just be trying to avoid hypothermia and frostbite, Lena blames Lex and his bombing. He hasn’t been proven to be the culprit but Lena is certain he did it. He sounded to smug. His voice still spooks through her mind, invading her dreams and making goose bumps appear on her skin when it floats through her head during the day.

In her daze, before leaving to the U.S., she’s watched the footage of the bombing. She can recognise her own inventions and tech from miles away and she doesn’t need Lex to spell it out to her. He used her to improve his murder-machine and then used that to attack _her_ community.

Her people.

Her.

If she could’ve, she would have been there. Amongst them.

She would have been caught right in the middle of it and might have gotten hurt.

The worst thing is; she doesn’t think Lex would mind.

 

Where she usually keeps her head down, now it feels wrong. She still does so, not wanting to risk anything. She keeps her head down and she stays in her room or their small library most of the day. As far away from Lex and Lillian as possible.

She visits her father’s grave when everything becomes too much for her. She walks there, bundled up in a warm coat, gloves on her hands, a scarf around her neck and a warm hat on her head.

The familiar gravestone never seems to disappear in the sea of other, similar looking gravestones. There’s something unique about her father’s. She places a small bouquet of flowers she’s gotten on her walk over at the foot of the stone and traces the engraving with her gloved fingers.

Her cheeks are burning from the frigid wind and she regrets only wearing jeans and not a pair of tights beneath them. The cold makes her head ache. Or maybe that’s the emotions welling up in her. Her last visit wasn’t too long ago, when she flew back to Luthor manor for the holidays, but it feels like an eternity. It feels like her entire life has turned upside down and her father hasn’t been there to see any of it.

Warm tears roll down her face, burning her cold skin before they fall down from her jaw and disappear in the collar of her coat. She sinks down to the earth, her hand keeping touch of the gravestone as a semblance of connection to her father.

The rough ground bores in her knees, cooling her down even further but she doesn’t care anymore. She’s long since shut out the ice-cold grass tickling her ankles and her icy tears freezing on her cheeks. This is the only place she allows herself to cry. This is the only place where crying feels less out of place than remaining stoic.

“I’m sorry, dad. I don’t think I can do it. I can’t be that perfect girl you’ve always wanted me to be. I just- I can’t get it right,” she whispers to the tomb stone in front of her. “I can’t be who I’m not.”

Out of nowhere a slightly warmer breeze blows by. Lena doesn’t believe in signs but it’s such a hopeful thing to see it as such. As an indication Lionel wants to comfort her. To tell her it’s okay to be herself and that he still loves her.

She shivers once more, the gentle warmth of the breeze making her able to feel how cold it actually is again. With one more touch of her hand to her father’s grave, she gets up on shaky limbs and starts the walk back to the manor.

 

Slowly, over the course of several days, her spirits start to dwindle again. Dropping to a dramatic low, or maybe just the low she had been at before visiting her father’s grave. She feels _wrong_ somehow. Like she is a mistake, but not like it’s her fault but someone else’s. It’s an odd sensation and she can’t place it. It makes her slightly jittery and nervous and her emotions sometimes collide and storm inside her, confusing her even further.

Most of all, she wishes to be away from everything. To have Lionel with her still. To not have to see Lillian and Lex ever again.

She succeeds at the latter quite well, until inevitably, she’s expected for dinner again.

It’s there where all hell breaks loose.

Lex is still his old, happy, jovial self. Proud of what he has accomplished without a care in the world. Even now, with the blood of a dozen people on his hands. Lillian still decries Lena. Lex is her perfect child, even as a mass murdered. Lena will never live up to that.

“Why the long face?” Lex asks on that one night. Of course he’d seen Lena be unhappy in their presence. Had seen her retreat into herself. Tonight, however, it feels more obvious. Lena can’t seem to hide it as well anymore and Lex seems to have had enough of it.

“You know why.” Lena keeps her words short and cutting, doesn’t give Lex a lot of attention and focusses on her meal again. She’s been playing with her food the entire night, moving pieces of steak and potato around.

“No, I don’t. Please enlighten me.”

“You murdered thirteen people, Lex. You tried to kill- kill an entire community!” In her agitation Lena slams her hand on the table top, earning herself a scolding from Lillian she ignores. “And you’re just sitting here having dinner, being served by staff and pretending like there’s nothing going on. Like nothing happened and like you didn’t hurt hundreds of people.”

“Come, Lena. They weren’t exactly people, now, where they?”

“Of course they are!”

“I’d rather think not. If we allow those … things to call themselves people, or even human, then where is this world heading?”

“To a future where we can all live in peace.” Lena completely gives up pretending to be eating dinner, focussing all her attention on her brother, who remains stoic and calm in his seat while she riles herself up.

“I don’t want to live with those things.”

“Well, sucks for you, Lex, because you don’t have a choice.”

“I’ll just make sure never to cross paths with them. Easy. I’ve got a nice new policy for LuthorCorp and so far, I’ve been able to stay away from them in my life,” Lex says, a proud grin spreading from cheek to cheek.

“No, you haven’t.”

“Sure I have. I mean, aside from that one mishap with the Kent woman, I’ve been steering clear of them just fine.”

“No. You haven’t,” Lena says again, more sure of herself now. She’s opened this can of worms so she might as well fling them out of the tin.

Lex crooks an eyebrow and Lillian remains remarkably silent for Lillian Luthor.

“What do you mean, sis? Is there something you’ve been keeping from us?” Lex sounds calm but Lena can sense a small layer of worry and distress behind his mask. It serves to fuel her fire even further. She’s done with Lex’s behaviour. With Lillian’s judgement.

“I’m gay.” Lena waits for a moment, watching both Lex and Lillian’s mask drop for a second to reveal complete and utter shock. The masks are put back in place in the blink of an eye and slowly make room for disbelief but that millisecond was all Lena needed. “I’m a lesbian. I like girls. Always have, really. Am I not a person now? Am I not good enough? Because I was good enough to help you fix your invention. Remember? The one you then went and used to kill _my people_ with. How fast do you think you’ll be arrested if I report you to the police?”

“No.” Lex looks aghast, unsure of what exactly is suddenly happening. 

“Yes.” Now, Lena is the one who is calm and collected, watching Lex sweat and try to make sense of everything. Lillian is a lot better at composing herself. Maybe because she never cared for Lena. It’s easier for her to pretend like Lena doesn’t exist and never was part of the family.

“You wouldn’t. I’m your brother.”

“I know. But am I your sister? Don’t I need to be a person for that?”

“Lena,” Lex breathes.

“Would you have me dead too, if I were walking there? Do you want to kill me now?”

Lex doesn’t need to answer. His look says enough. Confliction swirling in his eyes but slowly being overtaken by disgust and hate.

She pushes her plate away, dabs her lips with the handkerchief she had on her lap and gets up. “Thank the cook for the meal. I’ll retire now.”

“Don’t think you’re welcome to sleep here one more night,” Lillian tells her. Lillian’s first words since Lex and Lena started their discussion. Lena hadn’t expected to be allowed to sleep here. She had hoped, though. It’s cold outside and she doesn’t really have anywhere else to go. She’d hoped but she hadn’t expected.

Lillian’s words aren’t a surprise and with her head held high, Lena tells her, “I wouldn’t want to even if you let me.” She turns on her heels and goes to her bedroom to grab a pre-packed back with her most important belongings and some clothes before pulling on her coat, scarf and hat and slamming the door closed behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com).


	11. No Joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop, I think I need another chapter hahaha  
> This story is getting longer and longer (also, I think I'm running out of chapter titles so I'll try to really stick to no more than another 3)  
> Please head the tags for this chapter

Still reeling from anger and betrayal, with adrenaline coursing through her veins, Lena walks down the street. With every step taking her away from the mansion, her heartbeat slows. Realisation sets in and with a shock, her own words sink in.

_I’m a lesbian_.

How long had she known? A while now, probably. The more she thinks about it, the more she realises it’s true. She’s a lesbian. She has no romantic or sexual feelings whatsoever for men, never had either. Girls, women, however always made her confused about her feelings.

On automatic pilot, her feet carry her to the cemetery. It’s a stark contrast with her last visit several days ago. The gate stands intimidatingly high, the cold feels even more cutting and a crow lands on a branch nearby, staring Lena down until she feels anything but welcome.

The cemetery, with its starkly contrasting colours and deep shadows, seems to judge her. Lionel seems to judge her. She’s a disappointment. She’s a bad daughter. She’s weak and unworthy.

Worse.

She’s a waste of space.

A voice, deep, deep down, tells her she’s not. Tells her to reach out. The first voice, however, drowns it out. She can’t bother Kara right now. Kara has enough worries already.

Still, Lena finds herself gravitating towards her text-thread with Kara. Their recent conversations are limited to short inquiries about how the other is doing and, Lena thinks, mostly lied replies stating they’re doing fine. She scrolls past the messages about Clark and the rally and stumbles across a message she has forgotten, or chosen to forget.

_“Kara, sometimes I just don’t want to do it anymore”_ it reads.

They’d talked after that. On the phone. Kara had literally talked Lena through her day and made sure she was going to sleep, staying on the phone with her until Lena succumbed to her tiredness.

Lena should never have burdened her with that. Kara is her friend and Lena should keep her out of harm’s way and make sure she’s able to live her own life. Not drain Kara’s time because she isn’t feeling great. Kara has better things to do.

Lena is a bad friend. She’s weak and unworthy.

Worse.

She’s a waste of space.

Because of her, her best friend’s cousin nearly died. She’s caused Kara enough sorrow already. It’s better if she just stays away. All she does is hurt people.

With teary eyes and a watery vision she types out a message to Kara.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do it anymore and I’m so so sorry. Please don’t hate me.”

She doesn’t think twice before hitting send. She knows she has to let Kara know something. Immediately after sending the message, she deletes the app from her phone. She doesn’t deserve friends like Kara or the group chat she’s been mostly absent from lately. The world is better off without her.

Everything she does is clouded by a mist, as if she isn’t really there. She doesn’t control her own body.

She ends up on a stone bridge. A highway with racing cars beneath it. The edges reaching up to her middle. There are lampposts every so often on top of it, bathing the bridge in a weak and sinister light.

Even though they feel slightly unsteady, her hands don’t tremble as she places them on top of the large stones. They’re surprisingly rough. She’d expected them to be slippery but they’re not. Without even a single glance down, she lifts her first foot. Her other foot pushes off and when she’s at the highest point of her jump, she places her knee on the ledge to keep herself from going down again. She stretches out her knee slightly and lets her foot dangle on the other side of the bridge’s edge. High above the cars and asphalt.

She moves her hands and pulls up her other leg so she’s sitting on the ledge, legs out with her hands on either side of her body. Finally, she dares to look down. It’s a deep drop. Even without cars, she’s not sure she would survive the fall.

An overwhelming calmness takes over. She might not control the outcome of most things in life, but if she is to go off this side of the bridge, she can. It will all be over. She won’t have to deal with anything. Won’t have to worry. Won’t have to cry or long or feel so, so alone. Death might be an uncertain destiny of its own but at least it’s not this.

Mind made up, she takes hold of the lamppost next to her and uses it to steady her as she starts to stand up. Better to fall from as high as possible to secure her goal. She rises on her feet and feels mighty. The world is at her feet and she’s in control.

A car drives past and stops just after. Lena doesn’t really register it, too focussed on the task at hand. She’s still holding on tight to the lamppost, not wanting to accidentally fall and loose the tiny bit of control she has regained. The car reverses and drives back to stop behind Lena.

“Hey?” a friendly voice calls to her from the vehicle. It isn’t loud but it still startles Lena enough to make her loose balance. Instinctively, the hand on the lampposts tightens its grip while the other arm shoots out and flails in the air until she regains her balance. She might be planning to fall off it anyway but not like this and not with an audience. She hasn’t prepared herself enough to do it, doesn’t have the courage just yet. Mirthlessly, she laughs at herself, she’s even too weak to actually end her own life when she wants it.

“What are you doing?” The woman – Lena notices when she looks at the vehicle – leaning out of the window of her car asks. There’s no judgement in the question, no jibe or scrutiny, only concern.

Lena shrugs and looks out over the highway again, willing tears to stay away. Just because this one person interrupts her doesn’t mean people care and it in no way makes anything better. She needs this woman to go away and leave her be so she can finally make it all stop.

The woman doesn’t seem to agree with her. Lena can hear her door open and close again, the car beeps when she locks it behind her and her footsteps grow nearer.

She sits down on the ledge next to Lena’s feet, facing the bridge’s street instead of the highway. Facing the side that won’t kill her when she falls off. 

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asks, her voice soft and open and Lena can’t help herself when silent tears roll down her cheeks. It’s been so long since someone asked her that. Actually asked her, face to face.

Lena tilts her head, looking up at the sky and profusely blinking to try and keep the tears away but it doesn’t work. They keep coming and are unstoppable.

“Why don’t you come sit down?” the woman suggests, patting the stones between them.

Lena shakes her head. She can’t. She has to do this. It’s the better solution. This is best for everyone. She has to do this. It’s not like she has somewhere to go if she doesn’t so the only way for her to go is down.

“I’m Sam,” the woman says when she notices Lena’s unwillingness to come down. She’s still looking up at Lena and doesn’t seem inclined to leave and let her be. “Who are you?”

Lena looks down and roughly rubs away some of the tears on her cheek before looking forward again. She can’t let herself be distracted this easily.

Sam stays silently besides her. The only movement she makes is putting her hands in her pocket to keep them warm but she doesn’t say anything else or move towards Lena. It confuses Lena because this stranger patiently sits and waits in the freezing cold for her. For Lena. Just for Lena to say her name. Maybe if she answers, she’ll leave.

“Lena,” she says softly. _Please go away_ , she thinks. _Please leave me be. I don’t, can’t do this with you watching. Please, please go._

“Lena?” Sam repeats. Lena nods before looking down again. Not at Sam but at the highway. There’s still a heavy flow of cars. Their headlights light up the dark asphalt. The tears in her eyes make it all mould together in white and red streaks on a nearly black background.

“What are you doing here this time of night, Lena?”

“What do you care?” Lena grits out. She doesn’t know whether to be angry with her or feel sorry for her for being here destined to watch Lena die if she doesn’t leave soon.

“Because I- I’ve been there,” Sam tells her. She sounds introspective, seeming to relive a memory. “I might not know exactly how you feel right now, or why, but I’ve been there. Not in Metropolis and not on a bridge- I just wished someone had helped me out then. That’s what I care. Because I don’t want you to do something you might regret later. Because this is what I wish someone had done for me.”

“I’m not you. I don’t need you and I won’t regret it.” As she says it, Lena realises it’s not entirely true. She doesn’t know if she won’t regret it. If, by some miracle, she survives this, she will probably deeply regret it. Not jumping but surviving. She’ll need a more certain way of not surviving. She doesn’t want to end up immobilised but alive.

“I know you’re not me.” Sam doesn’t look at Lena anymore, Lena notices when she glances at her briefly. “I just couldn’t see you stand there and do nothing.”

Sam falls silent and Lena uses the moment to make a decision. If Sam isn’t leaving, she’ll have to jump with her present. It’s Sam’s own fault for staying. For disturbing her in the first place. She imagines what it would be like, to be dead. To be light as a feather, no worries, no sorrow, no expectations, no emotions. It feels peaceful.

“Is there someone I can call for you?” Lena startles slightly at the sudden question.

“No. It’s just me.” Alone. Lena’s all alone in the world.

“No parents?”

“My mother kicked me out and my dad’s dead.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Lena shakes her head slightly. Her tears have stopped, for now but she feels only more empty and hollow. “Dad died a long while back and mother never liked me much. It’s really a wonder she hadn’t kicked me out before.”

“That doesn’t make it okay for her to kick you out.”

Lena shrugs. “I brought it upon myself. It’s what I deserve.”

“I doubt it’s your fault. A parent should love their child unconditionally, not kick them out.”

“I knew she would and I still-” Lena chokes on the last part of her sentence. Her mind in a constant battle with itself. Here she is, standing on the ledge of a bridge, ready to jump but instead, she’s talking to a stranger. Telling her about her life. Confessing her thoughts and feelings. She should just jump. She’s such a weakling. Can’t even do this one thing right.

Her sight starts to blur again. The weak light of lamppost streaking through her view. The cars below blending together in white and red stars. If she jumps now, it will all be over. For her. But she knows that the second Lillian learns about her death, she’ll pin everything Lex did on her. Lena will be their scapegoat. Die a mass murderer and Lex will get to go on with his life and his violence. He wouldn’t even feel guilty for a second, she’s sure of it.

“Lena, sweetie, would you please sit down and tell me what happened? Maybe we can find another way to solve it.” Sam must have noticed her inner turmoil. Her first priority is no longer dying. It’s fixing this mess, reporting Lex to the police. Then, she can die. Without a heavy heart. Without taking a huge secret to her grave.

Sam extends a hand towards her. Lena hesitates only a moment but the part of her telling her to take the hand somehow overpowers the part of her telling her to jump.

She gracelessly wipes at her tears, roughly pressing her fingers against her skin and rubbing her eyes. With distorted vision, she looks at the proffered hand and back at the highway beneath her.

The cars look so welcoming but suddenly there’s this reason not to let herself be run over by cars – even though she might not even notice, the bridge is high enough for her to not even survive the initial contact with the asphalt. She suddenly has a choice. Some ‘other way to solve it’ to discuss and she might not believe there is any but this woman sounds so honest and like she herself actually believes in it, Lena should really give it a chance.

Sneaking one more peek at the headlights beneath her, she slips her hand in the one waiting for her and lowers herself carefully down to sit next to the woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a parting message, I advice you to read something fluffy or watch a feel-good movie or give kisses and hugs to your pet/partner/friend/family/stuffed animal. (Shamelessly points to her own (few) fluffy one-shots but just read whatever you like from whoever wrote it... You're your own authority over what you read. Or watch. Or do.)  
> Here's my [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com) for anyone interested


	12. Healing

Warm air gently blows in her face. The fans of the car are running, heating up the inside of the vehicle and slowly aiding in defrosting Lena’s fingers and ears. She pulls the soft blanket Sam has given her a little tighter around her body and stares in the distance.

She can see Sam pacing in the headlights of the car. Lena takes a moment to observe Sam. She’s young. Barely an adult herself, only several years older than Lena, she guesses. Her long, lean legs are clad in dress pants and she wears high heels. She must’ve got a nice career already, if she’s dressed so nicely. An expensive phone pressed against her ear as she talks with someone on the other end.

Her free arm starts to gesticulate wildly and her facial expression turns tense. Lena can only conclude it doesn’t bode well for her. Either she’s getting arrested or spending the night outside in the cold. She doesn’t know which one is worse, probably the former because it doesn’t give her a chance to freeze to death.

If she’s going to have to spend the night outdoors anyway, there’s no use in warming up her body now. She ponders her options for a moment but freezing doesn’t sound too bad. If she manages to fall asleep she won’t even notice it.

Before she can spiral further and act upon it, Sam is entering the car, slamming the door behind her and letting out an audible shiver. Sam sighs and looks disappointed. It’s enough for Lena to know for sure; she’s not getting admitted tonight.

“Do they want to arrest me?” she deduces.

“No,” Sam says a little surprised. “Why would they?”

Lena shrugs. Why not? Because of Lex. Because of the blood on her hands.

“They don’t have a spot for you yet. They said in the morning they’ll probably be able to create one but they can’t admit you until then.” Sam looks off into the distance, breaking their eye contact.

Lena robotically starts nodding her head. “Okay.” By morning she won’t need the spot anymore. It’s for the better. They can give it to someone who can use it better than her. Someone who deserves to live and has a life to get back to.

“Would you— would you mind maybe dropping me off at a police station then?” At least she can do one thing right still. Tell them about Lex. She might’ve told Sam, when they were sitting on the sidewalk, and it did help to have it off her chest but she needs to tell someone who can do something.

“I’ll take you there tomorrow, before I take you to the hospital.”

“Tomorrow is too late.”

“Do you plan on doing that again?” Sam asks, pointing at the edge of the bridge where they sat earlier. Her voice sounds slightly accusing and maybe even offended but Lena doesn’t dwell on that.

“No.” She shakes her head. “But it’s really cold outside.”

“It is. Wait—” that’s when Lena’s words, and their full implication, seem to dawn on Sam. “You’re not spending the night out there. You can sleep on my couch and I’ll take you to the police and the hospital tomorrow.”

Lena is speechless. She’s never met anyone as kind and caring as Sam — except Kara. The thought of Kara makes her gut churn and guilt claw at her. Kara is better off without, she tells herself again and vows to forget about her. That’s best for both of them.

“You have to promise one thing, though.” Sam’s voice cuts through her thoughts of Kara.

She nods and looks at the taller woman, ready to hear an ultimatum. For her to ask something of Lena. Something she can’t offer.

“You make it to the morning. For yourself. Because you want to tell the police about your brother. For me. And because I can’t have my daughter find your lifeless body in our living room.” She looks questioning at Lena.

Lena’s taken aback slightly. This woman, this young woman, has a kid. She has a child to go home to and still took the time and effort to stop her for Lena. Making this promise is the least she can do for her, if that’s what Sam wants.

“I promise.”

Sam sends her a small smile and starts the car.

* * *

Despite knowing Sam has a child, it still takes her by surprise when a four-year-old storms them upon entry of the apartment. It’s the middle of the night so Lena had expected she’d be asleep. And younger.

The small girl hugs her mother’s leg tightly and suspiciously glares up at Lena as soon as she notices her. Lena doesn’t know what to do but awkwardly stand in the hallway and hug her arms close to herself.

“Ruby, this is Lena. Lena, Ruby,” Sam introduces. Ruby just keeps staring at Lena. “She’s going to stay for a sleepover tonight. Is that okay with you?”

Ruby doesn’t answer, her brown eyes piercing and seeming to look right into Lena’s soul. If this little girl doesn’t approve of her, she’s sure she’ll be back on the street to spend the night there.

“Is she going to make you cry when she leaves like Mark did?” Ruby asks Sam with such seriousness Lena forgets for a moment she probably can’t even write yet.

Sam immediately turns red, the burning of her cheeks visibly creeping up as she stutters, “wh— what? No, no, it’s— Lena is just staying for a night, honey.”

“Okay.” Ruby’s gaze turns a little less suspicious but is still judgemental, as if telling Lena she better not do whatever this Mark did.

“Now, let’s get you to bed. Where’s Miss Queller?”

“She fell asleep. I don’t want to go to bed.”

It’s clear Sam has some experience dealing with her daughter not wanting to go to bed. In less than an hour, Ruby is back in bed, Miss Queller is woken up, thanked and sent home and the couch is made for Lena to sleep on. Ruby demands three bedtime stories and Sam negotiates it down to two, one of which read by Lena. After the first story, Ruby is visibly tired, eyes drooping and speech slightly slurred. When Lena is done with the second story, Ruby tells her she’s nice and she likes Lena. It renders Lena speechless and makes her a little emotional. Sam tucks Ruby in a little better and presses a kiss to her forehead before manoeuvring Lena to the living room.

They talk for a short while before both turning in. Despite the late hour and the long and draining day she’s had, sleep doesn’t come to Lena. She dozes off a little but never really falls asleep. There are all sorts of sounds around her she’s not used to. Sam’s fridge, the cars on the street, a neighbour who has his music on so loud Lena can hear it vaguely, an owl outside. The moon casts eerie shadows on the floor and it smells different. Her mind is churning, restless but at the same time quiet and vague. She only once considers slipping into the kitchen to grab a knife and slit her wrists.

Lena tosses and turns until the sun rises and with it Ruby.

The little girl doesn’t say much, just looks at Lena with an unspoken question in her eye as she glances between the tv, the couch and Lena. Lena sits up and moves to one side of the couch, freeing the other for Ruby to sit, which is exactly what she does. The tv gets turned on and Ruby picks something to watch. In silence, Lena and Ruby watch the television until Sam wakes up too and tells Ruby to turn off the tv so they can eat breakfast together.

It’s all very domestic. It shows Lena such a different side of family life. The love with which Sam plates two pancakes for Ruby and in her eyes as Ruby tells her about the day before with a milk moustache on her face Sam doesn’t reprimand her for, just cleans off with a tissue when Ruby is all done eating.

Part of Lena feels sad at the sight. This is something she could’ve had, something she’d longed for as a kid. Another part feels hopeful. Just because she didn’t have it when she was young doesn’t mean she can’t still have it. It’s a strange sensation, hopefulness. New and unfamiliar but at the same time exciting and motivating.

 

Sam keeps her word and brings Lena to the police station first thing in the morning, right after Miss Queller shows up again to watch Ruby — who makes Lena promise she’ll visit again — for a few hours. After Lena’s told the detective on duty everything she knows, Sam drops her off at the hospital. She makes sure Lena gets settled in and promises to stay in touch.

 

Lena expected ‘staying in touch’ to be a letter once in a while, maybe a phone call or a text occasionally, not Sam showing up at visiting hour. Let alone bearing gifts in the form of a chocolate bar they share as they talk. Lena’s never been one to open up easily and she’s still getting used to all the changes in her life so she’s even more quiet than usual. Sam doesn’t seem to mind much, keeping the conversation going and using whatever Lena does tell her as an anchor point.

She asks Lena about her days, about the people she met, and doesn’t once ask anything about her future or her past, for which Lena is grateful. She doesn’t yet think much about a possible future and the past is still painful and something she’s working on talking about. She’s living in the now and Sam seems to understand that. So they talk about now. About nothing of importance and somehow it makes Lena feel a lot better. She’s working on feeling better and figuring out what helps and she realises this is one of the things that makes her feel better. Spending time with people she likes. It’s a long way to go still but every step is a win, whether that be during therapy or outside of it.

 

Sam keeps visiting weekly, bearing small gifts every time. More chocolate, cookies, books, a puzzle. The first time she brings a drawing from Ruby, telling Lena the girl insisted on getting it to her, Lena ends up crying for hours in her room as soon as Sam leaves.

 

Slowly, Lena improves and can start thinking about a future again. A future outside of the hospital and on her own, shunted from her family and their fortunes. Before she has even had a chance to start worrying about how she’s going to afford her hospital admittance without healthcare insurance, Sam and a friendly nurse have sorted it all out for her. Lena does happen to have healthcare insurance, and a very good one at that. Lionel had made sure, before passing, that neither of his children could be denied anything — including insurances and trust funds — by Lillian, the company or each other.

She stays in the hospital for several months but then finally, she has to leave and everything becomes real and daunting. Thankfully, she can talk about it during therapy and still receives the help she needs to be able to make the step.

She doesn’t want to die anymore, at least not actively — sometimes she still broods about how everything would’ve been if she’d never existed or if a car were to hit her on accident— and she can finally think about what _she_ wants.

Somehow, she acquires a place to stay, a small apartment in a large building with laundry machines in the basement, squeaky doors and a perpetually broken elevator. It’s not much and she could’ve afforded something better but not having everything inside her apartment will help her get out even when she doesn’t really want to. Besides, it’s a grave contrast from the house she grew up in and that somehow soothes her.

 

Sam keeps visiting, even after she leaves the hospital and lives even further away. She stays over for dinner or comes over for coffee or a movie. They meet up for lunch in small, cozy restaurants or have breakfast at a coffee shop.

Lena fights every day to get better. Some she is more successful than others, but she doesn’t give in. She doesn’t only have herself now. She’s meeting people, making friends, getting her life back together and has something to live for. Something _she_ wants to live for.

It’s another while before she visits Sam, and by extension Ruby at their place again. The smile on the young girl’s face is rejuvenating. So happy, so carefree. She proudly gives Lena another drawing and explains everything on it. There’s Sam, Lena and Ruby standing in a field of flowers. They’re playing tag, Ruby explains. In the bottom left corner, there’s angry red and black marks and a man. That’s Mark burning in hell.

Sam whispers something about making a big mistake with him, how she shouldn’t have introduced him to Ruby so soon and what a mistake it was to date a man. Lena can’t believe her ears but doesn’t want to ask out of fear of mishearing Sam and making assumptions. She rolls up the paper, using the moment to collect herself. Ruby, unaware of what Sam said to Lena, starts rambling about school and the kids in her class. The moment is gone and Lena is glad for the change of topic and humours Ruby by asking questions.

 

After a while, Lena finds a job as a researcher. It fills up her days nicely, making it less necessary to have a social life — not like she really had one but now she doesn’t have to feel like she should. Sam and her grow closer, becoming fast friends and Ruby starts calling aunt Lena after she’s babysat a few times so Sam could go out at night.

She’s forgotten about — or rather repressed — much of her life before the hospital. It’s not something she wants to go back and she doesn’t want to taunt fate. At first, the name Kara makes her head shoot up to look at the person who the name belongs to but after a while she doesn’t respond anymore. Kara isn’t in the same city anyways. She’s still in college and the chances they’d accidentally meet are so slim, it’s better for Lena to just not hope.

 

One day, almost a year after landing her research job, she gets a phone call. Whether she wants to be the acting CEO of LuthorCorp. Lex has been arrested and imprisoned, without much prospects of getting out before he’s dead and Lillian just didn’t have what it took. It takes her a while to think about it but once she’s agreed, everything moves in a blur. Changes happen so fast she can barely keep up. Before she knows it she’s settled in National City, has renamed her company to L-Corp and has a slew of reporters wanting to interview her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm not dead.  
> Just couldn't get this done and then was unsure about it and had to edit stuff. 
> 
> Here's my [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com) if you want to keep tabs on me or talk to me or motivate me more by telling how much you like this story :P

**Author's Note:**

> I love getting comments and hearing your thoughts.  
> This fic might have slow updates because I prioritise my other ongoing one and I actually want to read through these chapters once before uploading (which takes time because I don't like reading back my own work usually)
> 
> And if you want you can come talk to me [on tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com)
> 
> Other note: tags might change, because I'm still writing and developing the story. I'll alert you to major changes in the notes before a new chapter.


End file.
